Ramblings from a former Alaskan

What a difference a month makes

2008-02-28T06:30:00.002-09:00

There isn't any snow on the ground. The temps are light jacket weather only.

Oh wait, it wasn't a month that changed, it was our location.

We're in Arkansas now. We arrived February 15th. So far we've purchased two houses. What were we thinking?! One we'll live in, the other we'll rent. We can have possession of both houses on March 15th.

The price of gas is increasing to where there's not much difference between what we paid for it in Alaska. A gallon of milk is about the same price. Fruits and veggies are almost a steal in Arkansas. Other items are much cheaper, too. We've compared the prices on kitchen appliances that we owned in Alaska versus buying them here. Same size, same brand is running at least 50% cheaper here in Arkansas. Some things are running a third of the price we paid for them in Alaska.

We've met some extremely nice people here. We also left some extremely nice people in Alaska.

I start work on Monday. I think I'll really enjoy the job.

Until later...

Post it notes

2008-01-18T17:04:00.000-09:00

Aren't Post-it-notes great?

I have one on my desk. It simply states: Time to start packing.

And it is.

I've been interviewing lately. There are two spots that are standing out from the crowd. And it appears I'm standing out from the crowd with them, too.

One is 30 miles from the town we originally wanted to call home when we picked the place we'd live if we didn't have to work. The other is about 75 miles from that same town, but in a different state.

I'm excited about both places. Each one has a lot of positive things going for it.

I know I've been quiet lately, but I haven't been lounging. I really do need to start packing. Seriously.

A brand new year

2008-01-09T12:00:00.000-09:00

Yes, 2008 is finally here.

It's a brand new year. One we can coast through, or one where we can work to make it the type of year we've always dreamed we'd live.

This is the year I want to mold the events in my life as much as possible.

How do I plan to do this? Glad you asked.

I'm very, very lucky. Years ago when I made the choice to go back to school I picked a field that is in high demand today. It wasn't by luck either. I'd met too many degreed people doing minimum wage jobs in my life. The last thing I wanted was the responsibility of student loans and a career that didn't have openings. I researched the careers that interested me the most. I looked at the job market that was available at the time and the predicted job market.

Since the medical field had always interested me, it was a perfect fit.

Today I have many options available in my chosen career.

Since we want to relocate, but we're not sure what part of the country we want to call home, signing up with a temp agency that supplies qualified techs to hospitals with a staffing crunch seems like a logical choice. That way I can work in several spots each year. We can learn about different areas of the country and try the areas out before we make a commitment (buy a house).

Today is the day we put our place on the market.

Later this week, or next week, we'll go into town and start the process of obtaining our passports so we can travel through Canada. I do miss the days when they weren't required to get from the 49th state to one of the lower 48 states.

This is the year that Roger and I will reconnect with family and friends that we haven't seen in over a decade.

So with all that going on, why let the constant snow bug me?

I don't know what Roger dreams about, but I'm dreaming of lilac bushes and dogwood in bloom.

If you're a transplant, what are some of the things that you miss from your former homes?

Merry Christmas and Hotel California

2007-12-23T01:43:00.000-09:00

The bug came back. Boy did it really knock me down this time.

I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year.

I know I should change it to happy holidays, but we celebrate Christmas in our house. If you don't, change the Merry Christmas to whatever holiday you do celebrate.

What does Hotel California have to do with all this? I put in my notice at work. Friday was supposed to be my last day. When the phone rang on Saturday, I thought it would be safe to answer it. It was work wondering if I could come in and work. They had a couple of people who called in sick. I went it to work.

So, I can check out, but I can't leave.

Until next year, have a safe holiday season.

A bug??

2007-12-11T22:21:00.000-09:00

Eating hasn't been fun lately.

It started last Wednesday. I barely made it out of the bathroom. In an hours time I was in there on ten different occasions. Not a pleasant way to spend a Wednesday.

Wait, then came Thursday. Same story. I was able to stay out of there long enough to run into town and watch my grandson's Christmas program. Too cute. It was absolutely adorable. For anyone in the audience, I really hope I didn't give you the bug.

Friday was more of the same with living in the bathroom.

I just knew when I went to bed on Friday night that Saturday would be okay. If it were a bug it would have run its course.

Wrong. More of the same on Saturday. My stomach hurt. I was ready to admit I needed to get to the doctor on Monday. Even knowing some of the tests they'd want to run wouldn't be pleasant in the least little bit.

Sunday was no better. I spent much of it worried about how in the hell I'd pay for all the medical bills that I'd rack up on Monday.

Monday. Was. Heaven. I woke and I was normal again.

Today has been as kind as Monday.

I have no idea what I had. I'm guessing a bug of some kind. It's a five day ordeal. Which gets really old before it's finished.

In other news, there's a respectable chance of seeing the lights tonight. The stars are out right now.

Changes

2007-12-08T14:47:00.000-09:00

Life is full of changes.

I have found what most important to me in life.

Family and friends.

Over the last two years, Roger and I have both lost our two closest friends in Alaska. They died, so they won't be back.

This summer the last of our family will move away from Alaska. Those two grandkids mean the world to me. Not to mention I have another grandson that I barely know. I want to get to know him.

Our kids and grandkids won't be back.

Alaska is wonderful place to live and raise a family. I can't think of any other spot in the world where I'd want to raise kids. I'd hoped my kids would have the chance to raise their kids here, too. For various reasons, they don't.

Roger and I have a lot of acquaintances up here. We appreciate each and every one of them.

But close friends and family are far and few in between up here.

Another thing that we've thought about is the fact we own a very expensive chunk of land. Yet we live paycheck to paycheck. It's time to sell the expensive chunk of land and move on.

We don't know how quickly or slowly things will happen, but we're going to leave Alaska. We're going back to an area where we can be around family and friends. And yes, a place where our cost of living will be reduced.

We've found one spot that we both like. The location is a nice location and while it doesn't have the beauty of Alaska, it has its own beauty.

Over the next few months, this blog will be hit and miss. And one of these days, I guess I'll have to change the name since the ramblings won't be from Alaska. Or maybe I'll keep it with the understanding that it will still be ramblings from an Alaskan. You can take the girl out of Alaska, but you'll never take the Alaskan out of the girl. As many who knew me before I ever lived here, I was Alaskan long before I ever stepped foot on Alaskan soil.

Part of me is sad to think of leaving, but another part of me is looking forward to a new adventure. Not to mention fresh fruits and vegetables.

This and That

2007-11-17T21:12:00.001-09:00

I took the grandkids to another birthday party today.

They had a blast and loved the party gifts. They didn't want to play pin the tail on the donkey, but when musical chairs were played, that was a different story. At least for the eldest. It's so much fun to watch them laugh and play.

Speaking of playing, I received a couple of new fragrances today. Now I want to make soap and lotion. I can't wait to try out the new fragrances. But I have to wait. I have another box arriving with some wickedly wonderful stuff for lotion.

I hope this last week isn't a sign of the winter to come. We've had snow. And more snow. And even more snow. At least it's been light snow, but still, I'm not ready for snow. This is one of the banana belts of Alaska. Where's the rain that usually melts the snow?

Sadly I have to work Thanksgiving Day. Worse yet, I have to work Black Friday. I hate shopping. I hate crowds. Why in the hell am I in retail right now? This is not a good time of the year to be in retail.

The research for the writing is going slow. On the days I get to research it goes pretty smoothly. Too bad there are too many days between research days.

Here's to calmer days.

More cleaning up

2007-11-16T13:46:00.000-09:00

I removed my email address from the blog. That email address was getting so much s*p*a*m that I couldn't find real emails.

I also removed my personal website. It appears there is a problem with it since I can't get it to load nor another website that I knew was hosted by that site.

It was with great regret that I removed the link to Pamela Joy's website. She's been gone for a little over two years. Her website wouldn't pull up, so I guess she is truly gone from us. Which is too bad because her website was filled with so much information about Alaska. She was a beacon of light to many who dreamed of moving to Alaska.

I also removed several blogs that are no longer active.

In time I'll add more blogs that I find interesting or amusing.

I knew it would happen

2007-11-16T12:29:00.000-09:00

Yes, I lost my blog look. It's gone.

I hope you like or can tolerate the new look.

This week has been a week of bringing in the food. Okay, buying the food. I bought a couple turkeys. We smoke our Thanksgiving turkey. We can smoke two for the same price as we smoke one.

I didn't have room in the freezer for two turkeys so one is in the back of my car. That's the beauty of living in Alaska. This time of year we never run out of freezer space. We have the big outdoors available.

Speaking of Thanksgiving...we don't know what we're doing yet. Sometime today the schedule for next week will come out. I think I have everything we need. For whenever we have Thanksgiving at our house.

Here in Alaska, especially this far out of town, everything is nice and white. Looking out my door or windows the season is here.

At work the other day a co-worker who has only been here a couple months said that winter was really here now. I bit my tongue so I wouldn't laugh. All I can say to that is maybe. In this part of Alaska next week we can have 40 degree days and rain. All the snow could be gone. This is one of the banana belts of Alaska. Snow today isn't a true prediction of what tomorrow or next week has in store for us.

Google Ads

2007-11-13T09:46:00.001-09:00

I don't pick the ads. Google picks them.

I do not support the one that suggests you skip the literary agent. Hello! That's just plain silly. In this day and age one must have a good agent to get anywhere with their writing.

Oye.

Housing cleaning

2007-11-12T14:59:00.000-09:00

Actually, blog cleaning. I have some dead links and some links to blogs that have since gone quiet.

It's time to update my links area. Add some new friends, remove some of the silent bloggers.

It's like a question I saw in the comments area of Marilyn from France. Someone asked if nothing remained the same. No, it doesn't. Life, all life, is about change.

So, over the next few weeks, I'll make a few changes of my own. To my blog. To my life. To a lot of things.

Research

2007-11-08T12:37:00.000-09:00

I'd forgotten how much I love researching.

I'm not sure why I forgot that fun fact. After all, I do a lot of research when creating a new product for the soaping company.

Actually, it's amazing how similar the two types of research are. As I read information, I keep asking the same question: what if? What if I substitute this oil or butter for that oil or butter? What if I use this is a story and instead of the character doing this, they do that?

So the pursuit of the perfect story is underway.

On other fronts, the grandkids are doing great. They went to their first kid's birthday party this week. They loved it. We still have a lot of work to do with them to get them to where they interact with other kids.

This one is for...

2007-11-06T12:52:00.000-09:00

About two years ago I stopped writing. I didn't mean to stop. It just happened. One day I didn't write. The next day I didn't write.

As time passed I cancelled my subscription to Publishers Weekly.

I stopped reading agent blogs. I stopped reading writers blogs.

Before long I realized I had stopped.

I even unsubscribed from almost all my writing email lists.

There were a couple I kept though. They weren't very active, so it was easy to remain.

Even when my computer died and I lost all my writing, I was okay. I didn't cry or bemoan the fact I lost all that work.

Then one of the email writing lists has become active.

At first I deleted a lot of the posts. Then I started reading a few.

Now I read all the posts.

And now? I want to write again.

I want to take one of the stories and completely rewrite it again.

The question is: which one?

It will probably be An Alaskan Requiem.

So, for my friend who has silently been waiting for me to say these words, I want to write again. I'm ready.

But today I have an important date with two little kids. They are going to their first ever all kids birthday party.

After the party, I'll come home, pull up a blank document and write.

Changing life

2007-10-25T14:34:00.000-08:00

This time I have a good excuse for being silent.

Once again, it's lack of time.

What's so important that it's taking so much time?

Family. Two little kids. Grandchildren. They are back up here with all their grandparents. Their parents are going through a rough spell.

It's great having them around again. I've missed them so much.

After spending a summer without them around, plus the two years I was wandering the state, I'm taking advantage of these little munchkins being here.

So, I'm going to be very hit and miss, but for now I'm not even going to apologize for it.

Those babies need us right now.

Go hug a family member today.

Random things

2007-09-19T13:57:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've done random thoughts or things.

Summer is over. Too bad I spent most of it on the road to and from Soldotna.

As a rule, I don't pay attention to the news. I will go to a couple websites to glance at the headlines, but that's about it. So, much to my dismay I was very disappointed with the Emmy's turned into something less than entertainment. I want entertainers to entertain.

In a few minutes we'll know the answer to the yearly question that Alaskans ask. How much? We already know when. All we need now is the how much. Yes, it's PFD time again.

I miss my grandkids.

The magical number is one six five four. Yay. It's great to be an Alaskan.

Oh me. Oh my.

2007-09-18T01:06:00.001-08:00

So sorry for not blogging on even a semi regular basis.

What can I say? This thing called work is really screwing up my free time.

Dare I admit this? Okay, I will. I do enjoy my new job for the most part. It's fun to see so many people that I haven't seen in years. Standing in one spot for so long is getting easier, but by the end of my shift, my feet are screaming. Tonight I was able to go around the store a little so it was a welcomed relief.

I still have a problem with the very small paychecks. I'll adjust, but it's so shocking when I consider what I used to make. Let's face it, two years ago, I had more withheld in taxes in one paycheck than I make in one month now.

Because my hands are always holding items or paper of some type, the tips of my fingers are extremely dry.

I can't have that. On Sunday I played around with a whipped body butter. It's so nice. If you want to read about that and the deodorant, go to the company blog for more information.

We are back to an empty nest again. Our youngest boarded a plane last Friday and is now in Australia.

Until next time...

New blog

2007-08-19T16:32:00.000-08:00

The new blog that is devoted to the business is here.

I'll add more products as time allows. Right now time is not my friend.

Now back to making this a noncommercial blog.

Before the new format

2007-08-19T13:13:00.000-08:00

Since I'm pretty sure the graphics will go away, I've decided to change a few things.

This blog will be about things. I'll create a new blog for the soaps and things. I don't want people to think this has turned into an advertisement.

So...where are we?

Has anyone noticed the leaves? It's not as noticeable in the Homer area, but up around Soldotna there are a lot of yellow leaves, plus some rust colored one.

And the fireweed. Oh. My. Gawd. It's there. Most of them are at the top. Start counting. Six weeks from today. Winter.

At least I'll spend winter in Homer. Yay.

I love this time of year. I really do. The days are cooler and with the hot flashes, cooler days are a really, really, really good thing. Oops. Was the TMI?

Okay...time to save what I can of this blog and create a new one.

Soon

2007-08-17T19:43:00.000-08:00

The graphics and design to this blog will disappear. As far as I know there isn't anything I can do to stop it.

Pamela Joy designed the look for me. She set it up to where it went to a folder on my main website to get the graphics. After Pamela's brutal murder two years ago I haven't been able to change things on the website. I can't access.

Which is why I don't use the jodypryor.com emails now either. After my computer crash, I can no longer access them.

I don't know what I'll do when all the pretty things disappear from here. Probably find a stock template that blogger offers and use it. But I hate to see this contribution that Pamela made disappear.

In other news, my job in Soldotna is about over. I put an end to it. I'm not getting enough hours to move up here, but I'm getting too many hours to work up here from Homer.

They aren't too happy with me. I know they put a lot of money into training me. But I can say with 100% accuracy, they didn't put as a high a percentage into me as I put into them. I drained my savings trying to make it work. But in the end, the numbers weren't there.

I do have another job. After two years of wandering the state, I'll finally be back in Homer full time. Completely out of the medical field.

I've learned many things.

The main thing I learned was something I said years ago still applies. When we opened our shop a reporter from one of the local papers asked us why we chose Homer. Without giving it a second thought I replied, "Homer is where the heart is."

I don't know if one of the real estate agents used that saying back in 1998. But it's more true for me today than it was in 1998. Homer is where my heart has always been.

Changes. They are good. Maybe I do need a new look for this blog.

Done

2007-08-05T19:26:00.001-08:00

I'm done for the day. I have many more soaps to photograph. I hope you don't mind me putting them on my blog.

I'm having fun soaping and I'm proud of the ones I make. I do have a big batch of rejects. Everything I make doesn't pass my inspection. I have a bunch of soap that if I were to package it, it would have a name straight from a Harry Potter novel. One of these days I'll figure out what do to with it.

Thanks for tolerating my show and tell.

Eclipse

2007-08-05T19:15:00.000-08:00

Every now and then, I order an essential oil as a treat. Vetiver was such an oil. I really didn't know how it would blend with other essential oils, but I wanted to try it.

I also had a few ounces of tangerine essential oil, so I blended the two together. Vetiver is a strong scent, and even using a very small portion in the blend, the smoky, earthy aroma is present. It's more a man's fragrance than for a woman.

The soaping oils are: palm, coconut, olive and canola. The soap includes Alaskan rainwater, sodium hydroxide and coconut milk.

Black Knight

2007-08-05T18:49:00.000-08:00

I bought this fragrance on a whim.

It was promoted as a complicated scent. And it truly is. It's a blend of citrus, floral, spicy cinnamon, rose, plus patchouli and vanilla. It's a very manly scent, but many women love it, too.

The fragrance is a blend of fragrance and essential oils.

The soap oils are, palm, olive and coconut. It contains purified water, sodium hydroxide and coconut milk. The color is from ground red sandalwood.

Bay Crest Morning

2007-08-05T18:40:00.001-08:00

Bay Crest Morning is a blend my daughter created.

The oils used are palm, olive, coconut and sweet almond. It contains Alaskan rainwater, sodium hydroxide and coconut milk. The fragrance is a blend of lemon, lime and litsea essential oils.

It's a nice cheery morning blend.

Alaskan Handy Man Soap

2007-08-05T18:32:00.001-08:00

I wanted to create a soap that was manly, and would cut through grease. This is my version. I used olive, palm kernel, coconut, vegetable and castor oil. It also contains Alaskan rainwater and sodium hydroxide. I added ground oatmeal for a coarse scrubbing affect. The fragrance is a blend of blood orange (cuts grease) and patchouli essential oils.

This soap comes packaged in a muslin bag so the Alaskan handy man or woman in your life can toss it in his or her tool box.

Shameless promotion today

2007-08-05T18:30:00.000-08:00

Today I'm going to upload pictures of the soaps. There will be several posts today. This is what I've been doing with my time. It's why I don't blog much.

Hopefully you'll be able to tolerate this. If not...well...I guess I'll find out.

August????

2007-08-01T22:57:00.000-08:00

Once again, another month has slipped past and I don't know where it went.

This picture is a sample basket of the soaps and balms that are ready for the public.

Today I delivered some of my "Fish On" soap to Ulmer's Drug and Hardware. If you're in the area, stop by and examine it, buy it, use it. It is scented with anise essential oil. According to everything I could find, it accomplishes two things. One, it washes the human smell of us. Two, fish like the smell of anise.

Some soapers have customers who rub the soap on their hooks.

Not only do the bars I make contain anise essential oil, but I add anise seed to the mix.

Some even use the "fish on" soap for hunting. I'm not sure about using it for hunting in Alaska. I've read that bears also like the smell of anise. For some reason, I don't think too many hunters are interested in attracting bears.

I've tried to get a few things finished after spending a little over two weeks up in Soldotna. There just isn't enough time to get everything completed though.

I need to work on the website, but there isn't enough time. I need to make at least another 20 pounds of soap. I need to work on more lip balms. I need to create so many different things. Then there's the ugly business of taking care of the paperwork that's involved in running a business. It's all time consuming and going back and forth between Homer and Soldotna eats into time that I just don't have.

Right now, my customer base is in Homer. I deliver products and then disappear for a couple weeks at a time. I have a great group of customers and retailers. They deserve more than me disappearing on them.

Today a huge problem was solved though. I was informed how to get supplies to Homer at a very reasonable price. I'm very excited about this new information. I can now order without having to worry about paying as much or more in freight than the materials cost.

Tomorrow I have to get ready to go back to Soldotna. But at least this time it's only for one day.

With any luck, I'll find time to go fishing, too. I think I should try out my "fish on" soap and "fish on" lotion. I need fish. Lots of fish.

The fantastic five

2007-07-14T22:20:00.000-08:00

Fireweed Soap Company is now available at five locations in Homer. The locations are: Baycrest Fuel & C Store, right before the top of Baycrest, Smoky Bay Natural Foods, Samarkank, Ulmer's Drug and Hardware and Heritage RV Park, out by the fishing hole on the spit.

Of course, all soaps can also be purchased through Fireweed Soap Company. Hot off the curing table is the much awaited "Fish On" soap. This product does contain lard as one of the oils. It's the only soap that does use animal products. They come in 1.5 - 2.0 oz bars and approximately 4 oz bars. I used a little tea tree essential oil and anise seed and anise essential oil in this soap. Washing your hands with it hides the fisherperson's human smell. Some even rub the soap on the hook, since fish are reported to like the aroma of anise. Personally, I can't get the fish to talk to me.

I also have a 0.15 ounce tube (like what lip balm comes in) that is a "Fish On" lotion. It it a nice solid lotion (as solid as lip balm) and I added anise essential oil to it.

The "Fish On" solid lotion retails for $2.50. The 1.5-2.0 ounce soap retails for $3.50 and the approximately 4.0 ounce soap retails for $6.00. For the rest of July if you want to order any of the "Fish On" products email me at info at fireweedsoapcompany dot com. Remove the spaces and change the at and dot to the actual symbols. Put in the subject line "Your blog special" and you'll receive 20% off the retail price.

This offer is good only for the rest of July 2007. If you're out of the Homer area, shipping will be done using USPS Priority Mail.

The "Fish On" soaps are brand new. None of the stores are carrying them yet.

We are still working on the website. It will be up, but not real soon.

In other news, I've been busy with the day job. It's cutting into soap making time and organizing everything associated with it.

July???!!!!

2007-07-02T17:26:00.000-08:00

What happened to all the earlier months in 2007?

How can it be July already?

As my dh says, I've been busier than a one-legged grape stomper.

I have my soaps in three stores now. I'm pretty sure I'll get an order from another account, which is cool since she has two stores she wants to carry them in. I'm hoping I'll get one soap and one lotion in yet another outlet. I guess it's time for me to go knock on their door again.

Last night, very early this morning, I did get one page up on the website. It's just until I can get pictures of the products taken, and all the other stuff that needs to be done finished.

I have made mistakes in starting the business. A few things that I hadn't thought about happened. I'll have to make a couple adjustments after the first of the year.

All in all, I'm having fun. After so many years of writing and rejection, it's amazing when I walk into a store and they actually want my products.

Time to look at the new stuff that arrived today. And then I need to package up some batches of soap I've made. After that's done, I need to actually make another batch or two. I did make three batches yesterday. My soap store rooms smells so yummy. Which all of you could get a whiff of the soaps.

Oh, if any new soap-makers happen to find this blog, Elements Bath & Body is a wonderful vendor. Her prices are reasonable, and for those of us in Alaska and Hawaii, her shipping can't be beat. I ordered last week, and received everything today. As usual it arrived in perfect shape.

Off to work.

A tribute

2007-06-14T21:37:00.000-08:00

Harley Waldrop was a true Alaskan. He would disappear for a few weeks. Then reappear and act as if he'd never been gone.

He was a poster child for the old saying of when someone was full of piss and vinegar.

Mostly he was our friend. The friendship between Harley and my husband started in Friona, Texas in 1971.

Long before I'd ever meet Harley, I'd heard about him. Then one day, when we had our shop in Homer, this old hillbilly waltzed in. Harley didn't recognize Roger, nor did Roger recognize him. But they talked. And talked. And talked. They learned they'd both lived in Friona during the same time. They learned they'd both worked at the same place at the same time.

Roger told him a story about this guy he used to work with. The guy was jumpy and when Roger was very new to the job, someone poked this other guy in the ribs. His arms flew out and he punched Roger. Roger's pretty small. For years I'd heard about this huge guy that punched him.

The guy in our shop just stared at Roger. "That was me," he said. Almost thirty years later and their friendship was renewed, far away from Texas.

Harley was a great friend. During our darkest days, when we thought Roger wouldn't be with us much longer, Harley was only a phone call away. When I needed help, or just a break, Harley was there. There wasn't anything he wouldn't do for Roger.

There wasn't anything Roger and Harley wouldn't fight about. When the two of them got together, they sounded like an old married couple. I'd sit back in amazement, wondering which one would drive the other one crazy first.

Harley disappeared a few weeks ago. He called Roger and said they needed to do a little adjustment at the hospital. When we didn't hear from him we assumed it was another one of his walkabouts. He was very famous for his walkabouts.

We learned today that Harley left us Sunday.

Godspeed Harley. You were the best pain in the ass I ever had the honor of knowing and calling my friend.

Roger misses you. I miss you.

Give Barbara a hug for us.

A very productive day

2007-06-12T23:25:00.000-08:00

I made a batch of lip balm and two batches of lotion. Roger claimed the first batch of lotion. So, I tried a second recipe and made a second batch.

The adult daughter wanted to make a batch of lip balm, a batch of lotion, and a batch of soap. I created the recipes, asked her what essential oils she wanted to add to them and let her make the batches. Okay, I hovered over her while she made the lip balm. Then I let her make the lotion sticks on her own. (That was the one where I picked the scent, because I wanted a lotion with a purpose.) We both made the soap. I had her measure out the oils and melt them. Then I measured out the lye and mixed it with the water. I poured the lye water mix into the oils, got them stirred some and let her finish stirring.

She brought the mixture to trace. I added the coconut milk. After it was mixed in with the saponifying oils, she added the essential oils while I stirred them in. Then she helped me pour it into the mold. Once it was in the mold, I popped it into the oven. It has finished its time with the oven going. I'll leave it there until morning to let it finish saponifying. Then tomorrow we'll take it out of the mold and cut it into bars of soap. Yay.

I'm only working a couple days a week at the hospital. I'm not complaining. The five days a week, plus coming home on weekends and trying to make a weeks worth of products was really wearing me down. This way I get to actually work on the business, too. Another yay.

Besides making several batches of product, I finally took the time to create a price list.

I'll probably make more lotion and balms tomorrow. Maybe another batch of soap, but I really don't know what I want to scent it with, so until I figure out what aroma I want, I'll hold off on that.

I have to work on Thursday, so I really want to have an easy day tomorrow. Getting up at 3 a.m. is a pain in the butt. Staying awake all day is even worse. The four hour drive gets old pretty fast.

At least it's only temporary.

Gotta run. So much to do. So little time.

I can't believe this...

2007-06-11T20:48:00.000-08:00

I spent about four hours driving today. Two hours to get to work, eight hours of working, then two hours of driving home.

I must be insane.

I took several bars of soap to work with me. Let me back up. I kept all my recipes on the computer. When it died, it took most the recipes with it. I have all these soaps and I don't remember what oils, additives, etc., that I added to each bar. Therefore, I can't put an accurate label on a lot of them. So, I can't market them. I also can't use that many bars of soap in my life time.

What can I do with them? Give them away. Some of them weren't good enough to sell anyway. They were experiment bars. They're good soap, but not great soap.

So, I was going to share with my co-workers. Well, before I pulled out the soaps, I learned one of my co-workers has a homeless shelter. I gave the whole bag to her. I told her that I have more where that came from.

I think I'll package some up this week for the women's shelter in Homer, too.

Finally, I'll get some space back so I can fill it up with more soap.

Computers

2007-06-09T20:03:00.000-08:00

They're great when they do what they're supposed to do.

They're horrible when they die and take six years of information with them.

If you happened to send me an email at the link associated with this page, it's gone. It disappeared with family pictures. Every bit of my writing. Every bit of information I had for the soaping business. It's gone. In a void.

If you try to email me at any address at jodypryor.com, it won't work. I'll never see it. By all rights those addresses should have disappeared long ago, but they're still there. As long as I had the laptop working, it was fine. I could access it. But I have no idea what the passwords are to those emails, so no I can't get to them.

There is only one email address that works. I hate to post it here. If you know my first and last name, you can figure it out. Put a dot between my first name and my last name. I use gmail.

Jack, please send your info to me at that address. It won't disappear when computers die. At least gmail stores things forever.

That's life on my end.

And not one word of profanity. Amazing. Simply amazing.

Oye....

2007-05-27T00:48:00.001-08:00

Working five days a week away from home...no, I don't mean outside the house, I mean having to actually overnight in the city where the job is type of working away from home...cuts into everything else.

Anyway, things are moving along on the soap front.

This is my logo. Is it cool or what? I just love it.

Next on my list is a color printer so the logo will look sharp and crisp on my labels.

I made another batch of soap today. This one is scented with vetiver and tangerine. Vetiver is an earthy, smokey scent. And tangerine is...well, if you don't know what tangerines smell like I wouldn't know what to say. ;-)

I also made a few lotion sticks. I put them in the roll up tubes like chap stick comes in. I scented the lotion with lavender.

I'll take enough supplies with me this week to make a few more lotions, and some lip balm.

And today something amazing and wonderful happened. A stranger had tried a sample of my soap. He made a special trip back to where he was given the free sample just to find out where he could buy the soap. He said he and his family loved it. Yay.

That is enough to make me want to make lots more soap. Too bad I don't make the kind he likes so well now.

Okay, I hear at least one person asking why on earth I'd quit making it if someone obviously likes it. Simple. The soap I make now is better. It's made with better base oils and instead of using fragrence oils, I use essential oils. The soaps are just better.

It's way past my bed time...but I figured while I had a couple minutes to call my own, I'd blog.

Sorry

2007-05-19T18:04:00.001-08:00

I've been busy.

I have a logo. All I have to do is figure out how to resize it.

There are things to running a business that I' m not crazy about. The teeny tiny details that make a difference. It's more than the product, it's the packaging, too. The packaging gets people to pick it up, the product is why people come back for more.

I made another batch of soap today. One of the essential oils in it is anise which is the fisherman's friend.

As it's doing its thing...turning into soap, it's the first batch that I've made that will either please me completely or end up tossed. I'm not sure at this stage. Until I can slice a bit off and try it, I won't know either.

Memorial Day weekend is almost here and I have so much to do. Too bad I have all of next week devoted to a new job. Yay for the new job. But I wish I had more time to get ready for the summer soap season.

Smiling, smiling, smiling

2007-05-15T01:04:00.000-08:00

We went to Land's End on Mother's Day. A meal there is always fun.

Sometimes one just needs to get away from the hum drum of life and spend quiet time out on the Homer spit. I don't ever remember a time when I took the spit for granted. So many save up over a lifetime just to visit the spit for a week once in their life. Me? I get to live here. How cool is that?

Today I had to run into town...twice. The first trip I had to drop my daughter off for training for her job. I managed to slam the ear piece of my cell phone in the car door. Oops. It still works, but all the rough edges are hard on the ears. I stopped by the cell phone company to buy a new ear piece. Since it's right by my favorite automotive parts store, I stopped in there. Yes, I do have a favorite parts store. It's all the years we had our shop. I'd given one of the employees there some of the soap I'd made. I wanted to get feedback.

She loved it and said she'd be my tester any time I wanted to try out new soaps. Yay.

Before I went in the second time, I sliced off samples for her of the various batches I've already made. She was thrilled to get them.

I had another bag filled with samples. This time I showed them to a potential customer. I walked out of that cold call meeting with my first wholesale account. Yay!!!!!!!! I don't have my company logo. I don't have my labels figured out or all the packaging figured out, but I have a wholesale account. Not a place where I can put my soaps on consignment, but an honest to goodness wholesale account.

Life is good. Life is very good. I showed her one of my packaging ideas and she loved it. It's different than any of the other soaps she carries. Another yay for me.

I also have a place where I can put my soaps on consignment. In time we, the shop owner and I, plan on it turning into a wholesale account. Right now their store is new, and since she's family, what can I say. I'll make the soaps, she'll sell them. It will work for us.

Sunday evening I made a mechanics soap. It turned out really nicely. Tonight I made a batch of soap that is unscented, but I added ground oatmeal anda honey to it. I also used coconut milk for the majority of the liquid. It feels wonderful. It has a burnt sugar smell to it, which isn't offensive at all.

Tomorrow I hope to make another batch of soap, plus a lip balm. Then on Wednesday, I hope I can get another batch of soap made, plus a lotion bar.

Once I get all the recipes figured out, it won't be near as hard to keep up with demand. Right now I'm creating the recipes as I go and all of that takes time. Lots of time.

A wholesale account. I know it's not exciting to the rest of the world, but it's very exciting to me. :-)

The devil is in the details

2007-05-12T21:53:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to build a website. I hate building websites. I used to have a clue, but not lately.

Sure html is the same, but there's more than html now.

Using templates isn't working. They don't have the graphics that I want. Or need.

But I do have the website. The name of my new company is Fireweed Soap Company. Right now there isn't much there, except a coming soon sign.

I'm feeling out of my league with this website. I'm such a control freak that I don't want to hire anyone to do it for me. But I think I'm going to have to get some help.

I made another batch of soap today. This time it was a test batch for an order that I have. She wants kelp in the soap. Okay. I found some ground kelp at Cadre Feeds in Soldotna the other day. I wanted the base oils to be palm, olive, coconut and palm kernal with a touch of castor. I decided I'd superfat it with walnut oil.

I knew going in there would be one major problem. Kelp stinks. In the package it doesn't, but once the lye water hits it, it smells worse than low tide. It's rank. I knew I'd need a strong essential oil mixture to over power the kelp.

Added to that mix is my palm oil. I'm still using the red palm oil I bought at the health food store. It has its own odor that isn't pleasing to my nose. I know from personal experience that in time that odor will disappear. In about three or four weeks.

I guess I'll have to wait on the fifty pounds of palm oil that is coming via a very slow boat to Alaska.

I'm getting a little frustrated. I want to up the size of batches I make. It takes just as long to make a one pound batch of soap as it does a five pound batch. I feel like I'm wasting time, but I know I'm not. All this is doing is showing me early what the best oils are and I know I have to wait for them to arrive before I can do the large batches.

Tomorrow is a day off. I hope all the mothers out there have a great Mother's Day.

Gold mines

2007-05-10T23:22:00.000-08:00

No, not the real ones. Too many people want the real things, or at least they want the contents of the real one.

We had to make a quick trip to Soldotna today. More about that in another blog. Probably next week sometime.

While there, I wanted to stop at a couple places. Yesterday a soaper from Soldotna mentioned Cadre Feed. She said they have essential oils there.

Oh. My. Gawd. Do they. They're expensive. But anything like that in Alaska is expensive. I spent more than I should have, but there were so many that I wanted. I've been sniffing essential oils ever since we got home. I want to mix and match, and blend.

I want to make soap. But after a quick trip up the road, I'm just too tired to mess with lye. The other day I managed to get raw soap on my hands. Talk about stinging. Or is that burning. It was horrible. Nothing a little white vinegar couldn't take care of, but still, I don't touch lye when I'm tired.

I have an appointment tomorrow. I don't know if I'll have time to make a batch of soap before my appointment. I want to do a test batch of mechanics soap. I also want to do a test batch of a fisherman's soap. Hey, the kings are getting ready to run. It's time to create a soap for our fishermen and women. Trust me...fishing isn't just a man's sport in Alaska.

We also stopped at Home Depot. What an evil place...in a good kind of way. We bought a couple of cabinets. We have a 34.5 inch space for the wall cabinet to go. It's a 30 X 30 cabinet. Uh, actually, no, it's not. Just because the label said it was doesn't mean it's true. It's 36 X 30. We're going to have to cover a window, sheet rock the wall, slap mud and tape and paint on it and put the new cabinet on a different wall.

That was my day...well, and a little secret that I can't let out of the bag yet. As I said...next week.

Let's just say some of the things that had me worried yesterday aren't near as huge today.

Hope your day was as productive as mine.

Scary things in business

2007-05-10T00:04:00.000-08:00

Here's the worst part of starting a business. Will I run us into bankruptcy, or actually make money doing this?

No one goes in knowing the answer to that combined question. We can plan. We can plot. We can do a zillion and one market surveys. But in the end, we really don't know if people will buy our products. We just don't know.

At best, we hope. We pray. We plan. And we worry.

During all the preparing stage, I've had to do so many things. First, I've had to make different types of test batches. I use one pound of oils, which yields about 1.25 pounds of soap. A bar of soap is usually around four ounces. Some make five ounce bars. That's four bars that are over four ounces each. If the bar of soap is a nice hard bar, and if it's kept in a soap dish, one bar of soap will last about two months.

Right now, I have more soap than I can use. The nice part about making soap, there are so many things I can do with it. I can rebatch some of the batches that I'm not pleased with. Or the ones that I made using only one type of oil.

Today I made two batches of soap. One was nothing put a pure experiment. I colored it with cocoa. I wanted to see if the smell stayed in the finished product. It didn't. I wanted to see what would happen if I used a bar of the 100% olive oil soap I'd made a couple weeks ago in that soap. BTW, for those who don't know this, the 100% olive oil soap is castile soap. It's turned into a very nice white bar of soap. I cut it into small pieces. Right before my new batch was ready to pour into the mold, I added the castile soap to the mix. Then I sprinkled the top with ground coconut. Not coconut oil, but real coconut. It's the dried variety.

I was after a rocky road affect. It didn't turn out exactly like I wanted it to, but it's still usable soap. Oh, I also tried to scent it with coconut extract. Another failure. So, right before it went into the mold, I poured a little blood orange into the carrier oil and added it as a scent.

If that had worked, my next step was to make a mocha soap using cocoa and fresh coffee. I don't see me doing that any time soon after today's experiment.

My other experiment was with dried blueberries. I used the coffee grinder to grind up the blueberries. I put them into the water. Then I poured the lye into the water. Oops. At first it was a nice color. Then it turned brown, as in a burnt brown.

In the end, that soap turned out pretty nice. I added bayberry scent to it.

And that's another part of the problem. Bayberry is a nice scent. But it's a fragrence oil. I really like essential oils better. They not only smell nice, they tend to be good for the body. Fragrence oils just make us smell nice. They don't have the added bonus of healing properties like essential oils have.

With that said, there are some blends that are almost impossible to get with essential oils. If that weren't enough, sandalwood essential oil is expensive. Depending on which vendor I look at, it runs about a thousand bucks for 16 ounces. Hello! That's a little rich for my blood. Rose, otto is in the same category...about a thousand bucks for a pound of the stuff.

Those are the things that I worry about. Do I stick with only essential oils? Do I break down and use a few fragrence oils, but make sure it's clear on the label they are fragrence oils? Fragrence oils aren't harmful to most people. It's not like I'm shoving something into the soap tht is bad. But for anyone who has sensitive skin the risk of a reaction runs higher with a fragrence oil.

Some soapers claim that most customers won't know the difference. They might be right. But why not give the customer the best? They might not know the difference, but I do. Isn't it my responsibility to use that knowledge to their benefit?

That's what I've been worrying about today. And when will I have a product ready to sell so I can start paying for some of the supplies I've been ordering?

Lunch and stuff

2007-05-08T21:20:00.000-08:00

Today I had lunch with a friend. He asked me why I hadn't been blogging.

Uh...lazy. Not enough hours in the day. All kinds of reasons. Mostly, I don't think anyone wants to read about the joys and frustrations of someone starting a business.

He assured me that I was wrong.

It's not like I've never had a business before. I have. When we closed our shop, I swore I'd never do that again.

There are a lot of headaches involved. It's up to me to make sure I have a product available. It's also up to me to make sure that I have a product that is viable in the market.

So what is my business? I'm making soaps, lip balms and lotion sticks. I'm not ready to try regular lotions. That requires a whole new concept and technique. There are too many areas to introduce bacteria, mold, etc., into regular lotion.

I'll stick with soaps, hard lotions, and even shampoo bars for a while. Later I'll think about branching out. But for now...the basics.

I've made several test batches of soap. I play with the different oils to see how they work and what type of bar the different oils produce.

I've also played around with the various ways to make soap. I've tried cold processing. It's where I make the soap, put it in a mold for 24 hours, take it out and cut it into bars. Then I have to let it cure for 3-12 weeks.

I've tried some using the hot process method. It's the same as cold process, but before I put it in the molds, I cook it on the stove for a couple hours. When I pour it into the molds, it's soap. The next day I remove it from the molds, cut the bars and let them finish drying for a week or so. But it's usable the very next day.

I love the time of having soap ready to use...but...when I stir it in the double boiler I end up introducing too much air into the mixture. I can't get those bars to be nice and hard like I want them to be. Hard bars of soap last longer, which makes customers happy.

The last method I tried was cold process in the mold in the oven. I cold process it, pour it in the molds, then put it in the oven for a couple hours. The next morning I remove it from the mold, cut it into bars. And. Oh. My. God. What a gorgeous bar of soap.

I've also been playing with the scents and things I can use to add color to the soaps.

Ground cinnamon makes a nice brown bar of soap. I don't know if it's the ground cinnamon, or the cinnamon oil in that batch, but while it's great on my hands, it's a little too tingly for the face. The man of the house has used it on his face and doesn't have any tingly sensations with it. But I love the scent of it. It has a mixture of cinnamon, lemon and sweet orange. The aroma is perky.

I've spent a few hours infusing lavender, promogranate seeds and lemongrass into olive oil and grapeseed oil. It does leave a hint of the scents in the soap. I'm just not sure if it will last very long in the soap.

I've also bought several essential oils and a few fragrence oils. I'm trying not to use too many fragrence oils. They do make the soaps smell really nice, but I like the healing properties of the essential oils. But I have to say, I do like the carrot cake soap I made on Sunday. It smells really good.

Tomorrow I plan on making several batches of soap. I have to get my supply up so I can ship some to my sister's store. She has a store in Lake of the Ozarks and her customer base likes soaps. I'll also send her some lip balms and lotion sticks. In the meantime, I need to get my logo created so I can label and package the products.

All in all, it's fun.

Eventually I'll have a website set up for my products. But honestly, right now I just don't have the time to deal with a website and the headache of trying to figure out how to do a shopping cart.

So, why haven't I been blogging? All my free time has been spent on getting supplies, making test batches, letting people try the soaps out and on and on it goes.

I'll try to do better. And in time, I'll try to get some pictures of the soaps I'm making so you can see them.

Random thoughts

2007-04-20T09:45:00.000-08:00

The weather sucks.

Rain, snow, rain, snow. Rain-snow mix. But even a crappy weather day on the Kenai Peninsula is better than a clear, sunny day in Juneau.

One of my kids is leaving the area. He wants to go back to school. Going back to school is a good thing. Leaving the state is a sad thing. While I'll miss my offspring, the hardest part is missing the next three years of his kids life.

I ordered some oils for soap making last week. Today, one full week later, the phone rang. It was the supplier asking for our physical address. They haven't shipped the supplies yet. What the hell is going on? They charged my credit card a week ago. Will I use this supplier again? Doubtful. I'm really big on customer service and if it takes them at least a week, a full seven days to ship, that's pathetic customer service.

Waiting is not my favorite past time

2007-04-17T22:21:00.000-08:00

Waiting is not something I do with grace or dignity.

Writing isn't a career that brings rewards quickly. Most people can go years or forever with the only reward being the personal joy they get in creating their work. Many writers are never read by the public. There works aren't published. It sets on the hard drive, or maybe a copy is hiding in their closet.

While writing didn't earn me a dime, it did teach me how to wait. It just never taught me how to wait with grace or dignity.

In the last few days I've made two batches of soap. They're small batches. While I'm learning I don't want to waste a lot of money by screwing up large batches of soap.

Once it's out of the molds, and cut into bars, I want to use it. I want to see how well it cleans. Or how well it lathers. Or all those other things. But I can't. Soap needs to cure for at least three weeks, and some blends need to cure for a few months. (I'm not making those long cure time blends.)

So far all my batches are made without using any animal products. I use olive oil, coconut oil and palm oil. Then I use small amounts of avocado oil and grapeseed oil. I usually superfat with either grapeseed oil or avocado oil. In time that will change. Meaning when I get more oils it will change.

One batch is unscented, but I did add ground lemongrass for texture. The other batch has a blend of lemon and tea tree essential oils for scenting and nothing added to the texture.

My next experiment will be grinding up lavender buds and adding it to the soap. I want to see what it does to the texture and if the scent will hold. And if so, for how long.

I do have a few oils ordered. Once they arrive, I can create a few shampoo bars.

It is fun to take oils and lye water and watch it turn into soap.

I just can't use any of it until May 5th. Damn.

Taxes and death

2007-04-15T13:23:00.000-08:00

Those are the two sure things in life.

Today is tax day. I finished my taxes several weeks ago.

Yesterday I learned that one of my dearest friends lost her husband. We'd been warned to prepare for this. But the truth is, there is no way to prepare for death.

Ben and Connie were married for over fifty years. Did they have hard times? Of course they did. Hours after they were married they were in a horrible auto accident. Because of the accident they started their marriage with huge hospital bills.

They had other hardships over the years. But the one thing that was consistant, was their devotion to the other.

Fourteen years ago the doctors told Connie that Ben probably had a couple years at most. He had advanced prostate cancer. Yet that wasn't what finally took Ben.

I didn't know Connie or Ben before his cancer. So, I have no idea how much he changed or if he changed at all with it.

Nothing in my memories of Ben pertains to a sick man. He had more energy and life than people half his age. I never heard him sound down, frustrated, tired, or any of the things that might be a sign that he was tired of the fight.

I did hear about his goals and dreams and all the things he still had left to do. And that was after having a life filled with so many goals and dreams already achieved.

Connie is a true feminist. Yet Ben was her life.

As much as I regret that there is now a world without Ben, I worry about Connie.

I wish she wasn't on the other side of the country. I wish I was closer to her during this horrible time for her.

As great as Ben was, Connie is equally as impressive. She's one of the best friends I've ever had. I worry that when she lost her wonderful Ben that the rest of us may have lost a huge part of Connie. And if that happens it will be a truly devastating loss for everyone.

Please pray for Connie. Please pray for her to find the peace that she'll need as she faces a life without her Ben. For theirs was a love that impressed everyone who was lucky enough to be a part of their lives.

She knows she was lucky to have had Ben for over fifty years. But today, the first day of the rest of her life without Ben in it, that really doesn't matter. What matters is the huge gapping hole in her heart.

Hold your loved ones close.

The weekend

2007-04-14T19:28:00.000-08:00

Yikes. I'm spending money like there's more coming in.

I had an appointment in Soldotna on Thursday. While we were in the neighborhood we stopped by Home Depot. It was the first time we'd been to Home Depot. Yes, I know there are people who go to Home Depot at least weekly, if not more often. We just hadn't.

It was fun just looking at things. Then we found one of their in store specials. Oh. My. God. We have brand new flooring for our place now.

Since we've been back we've been in remodel mode. So, a great deal on flooring fits our remodeling plans.

This week I received an order for one of my business plans. Well, it's the same plan, but it's an item I'll need for one of the products. Last night I made up a small batch of another product. It needs to set for a few weeks.

Once I get my kitchen back, it's being moved, I'll make another batch. Plus I ordered more supplies to try new recipes. Yeah, spending money like I have a steady stream coming in. Too bad I don't.

Still, I'm having fun. A lot of fun. That is when I'm not exhausted because there really isn't enough hours in a day.

Time

2007-04-10T23:36:00.000-08:00

Time is rushing by.

There aren't enough hours in a day.

Today I went out to the spit. When we first came back, we went out to the spit and the fishing hole was filled with ice. Today it was ice free.

Even at our place the piles of snow are melting.

Spring is in the air.

Roger is busy tinkering on projects. I'm busy trying to figure out if my business idea is viable or not. I think it is. From the little I've discussed it with people, they seem the think it's very doable. Of course it's not their money that's being dumped into it.

And coming up with a name is so hard. A lady told me today to just use a name and change it in a year or so if I don't like it. That makes sense, but if I can come up with something right now, that would be better.

Speaking of time...my to do list is very long.

Monday, Monday

2007-04-09T23:39:00.000-08:00

Gotta love Mondays. Okay, so we don't have to love them at all.

I know what I want to do. If I'm lucky, I might actually be able to make money doing it. That would border on being pretty cool. Make money doing what you enjoy doing. What a concept.

Well, there's only one problem. This wonderful state where I live has one big drawback. When suppliers learn one lives in Alaska they love jacking the freight up to levels that makes a trip to the moon appear affordable.

I'm spending a lot of time trying to find suppliers who don't want to charge more for the freight than for the product. I might have to call Costco in Anchorage and see if they can get what I need, then pay the shipping from Anchorage to Homer. A lot cheaper than the options I've seen so far.

So...tomorrow, I work on suppliers and fine tune the business plan.

Damn. Double damn.

BTW, it's great being home. All the snags I'm running into are just that...snags. Little problems that can be solved. Maybe on easily, but they're managable as long as I'm home.

Back for good

2007-04-06T12:38:00.000-08:00

Okay, maybe I won't be blogging all that often, but I'm home again.

According to Thomas Wolfe, we can't go home again. Maybe. Maybe not. I wonder if the ones that can't go home again are the ones that completely left. Because I am home again, but as I think back across the months, I never really left. Sure, physically I left, but mentally my home has always been on the Kenai Peninsula.

The ferry ride from Juneau to Haines was windy, but not too bad. Between Haines and Haines Junction we had about an hour of whiteout conditions. Yes, I was driving. Very slowly. Extremely slow.

But once we got through the whiteout, the rest of the way was sunny skies. Sun. Lots of sunshine. More sunshine than I'd seen in almost eleven months.

Do I miss Juneau? Honestly? Not one bit.

I look out my window, or step outside and watch the view I've missed. Kachemak Bay and the Kenai Mountains. If I turn ever so slightly, I can include the Homer Spit into the view.

The dogs are content and almost back to their fighting weight. They porked up living in an apartment. Now they run outside, sniff around to make sure no other dogs have claimed their territory and wag their tails.

Roger and I are busy cleaning up. We have years and years of stuff accumilated. We're going through everything and tossing a lot of it. Things that used to be important are now finding its way to the dump.

We haven't figured everything out. Not by a long shot. I'm officially unemployed. I'd like to be gainfully employed, but I'm going to take my time. I know where I want to work. I have time to wait for them to have an opening for me. Well, that is if they don't take too long.

While I'm waiting, I have a couple projects I'm working on. Not writing. Something that might actually bring in some cash.

It's great to be back home again. When we get the boxes that we shipped from Juneau, I'll upload a few of the pictures from the trip. The cable to the computer is in one of those boxes. Idiot that I am.

No out of town trip for us

2007-02-21T23:13:00.000-09:00

Our mini vacation was shot to hell on Monday when I went to the doctor. This last week at work I was a total bitch. Little things bugged me. I spent most of my shifts pissed at the world.

Do ya think maybe having pneumonia had anything to do with my short fuse?

The doggies don't have to go to the dog sitter and now I have to figure out when to rebook the trip so I don't waste the tickets.

I am feeling better. Still not good, forget great. But I'm going to work a short shift tomorrow night and another short one the next night. Then it will be time for a few days off. I hope it's enough to get me over this crap.

Keep your fingers crossed.

And to make life easier, we're in the middle of a winter storm warning tonight. Yay.

Okay...

2007-02-12T15:10:00.000-09:00

We just returned from the vet. We need to board the dogs for a few days in a few weeks. They're current on most shots, but there was one more they needed to be boarded.

Let me just say this...two little dogs can make a lot of noise. I mean, a hell of a lot of noise.

I hope they want to nap the rest of the afternoon, because we do. Combined they're a total of 35 pounds of pure muscle and noise.

I was feeling guilty about boarding them. After today, nope. Not at all. Not in the least little bit.

The lights are supposed to be out the next three nights. It's supposed to be cloudy and snowy in Juneau, so we won't get to see them.

Yes, we are going on a little trip. Nothing too long. Just getting out of town in a few weeks on my days off. We're looking forward to the days away.

Life goes on in Juneau, located on the outskirts of the real Alaska.

Cry me a bucket of...

2007-02-10T07:02:00.000-09:00

snow and norovirus.

Upstate New York has a bunch of snow. And the point is what? We had over 90 inches of snow in Juneau in the month of November. Did we make national headlines? Uh, this is Alaska, of course we didn't.

Two hospitals in North Carolina have had a norovirus outbreak. Well, we had a norovirus outbreak a couple months ago in Juneau. Again, did we make national headlines? Nope.

Tonight was nice and clear, and cold. The stars were out, but no lights. They are supposed to be out nice and bright Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night. Too bad it's supposed to snow those nights. No lights for us in Juneau. Maybe the rest of Alaska will have better luck seeing them.

My eldest child is home from Iraq for a few weeks. It's nice to have a few weeks of not having to worry about him over there. I didn't realize how worried I was until he called and left a message that he was stateside.

That's it for now from a rare sunny Juneau.

NPR, continuing ed, etc.

2007-01-18T10:22:00.000-09:00

Most faithful readers already know that when it comes to Juneau, there's not much here that I feel Juneau does well. There was one area where they even surpassed Homer. Because I am who I am, it was an important thing, too. Juneau was home to 100.7 radio station that kicked ass. I loved the music they played and the deejays were great. Yes, it was piped in from Outside, but that was okay.

In the middle of December I read an article. NPR was going to take over two additional stations. Yes, one of them was my beloved 100.7. Why in the hell does NPR, you know that icon of radio that our tax dollars support, need three stations in Juneau, Alaska? Obviously the deejays are hacks at best. The music makes my fucking ears bleed. And my tax dollars and your tax dollars pays for such complete garbage.

So, I lost the one good thing Juneau had. I lost my music. I've tried the new station(s). They suck. There is one rock station, that is commercial, but it's heavy rock. Thanks NPR, for nothing. I think it's safe to assume that when it comes time for pledge week calling me wouldn't be a wise choice. No, you get my tax dollars to bombard the airwaves with your hack deejays, shit music, and wobbly waves. You aren't getting another penny from me. Your format sucks.

So, I'm spending my time taking a few continuing ed classes. I've completed three so far and I'm working on two more. They're good for me.

On July 1st, the hospital becomes a no smoking on campus hospital. They ask me at work what I plan to do. I tell them the truth...quit. But I'm just never clear if I mean quit smoking or quit my job. It's fun to screw with their minds. Most of the time it's not much of a challenge though. So, what do I really mean? Will I quit smoking or quit my job? Honestly? I don't know yet.

Now you know why I'm not blogging. Not much is going on. Very little. Damned little.

Is it really December????

2006-12-12T19:45:00.000-09:00

Gosh, I didn't plan to be gone so long.

We moved to a new apartment. One that allows dogs. Yay.

I have a new schedule at work. Ten hour shifts. Yay. Three days a week off. Super yay.

All total, we got over 90 inches of snow. The rains are doing a better job at getting rid of the snow than all the snow plow trucks and city workers. When it comes to removing snow, the citizens of Juneau don't have a freaking clue about snow removal.

Too much to do, not enough time to get everything done.

Blogging will be hit and miss for a while. Sorry.

More and more and more

2006-11-16T07:52:00.000-09:00

We didn't get any new snow after I shoveled yesterday.

Then I went to work and while I was there, we received another four to six inches.

According to wunderground.com and juneauempire.com we are under a snow advisory. Isn't that special. Last night we were under a wind advisory. I guess while we weren't getting the new snow, we had to redistribute the old snow. I guess the only politicians who made it to town for the special session were the democrats. Since there isn't any money, or benefits to redistribute, they found a way to redistribute the snow.

I really wanted to be out of Juneau before the snow and/or politicians hit town.

Had I known how clueless Juneau is when it comes to snow, I would have left a couple weeks ago. How was I to know they don't know how to handle two feet of snow? Alaska's capital city doesn't have the resources to handle snow. Simply amazing.

Off to sleep and when I wake, I'll try to figure out how to handle the new snow that fell while I slept.

Need I say more?

2006-11-15T07:47:00.000-09:00

This picture was taken November 2nd. There was a little snow on the ground about 48 hours ago from an earlier snow storm. Maybe two inches were left.

Then less than 48 hours ago it started snowing. And snowing. And snowing.

Why haven't you heard from me?

I have thirty stairs to keep snow free, plus two landings, plus my vehicle.

I'm losing the battle.

This was taken about an hour ago. Around 7 a.m. The snow started late morning on Monday.

Global warming my ass!!!!

Can I buy a dose of it on E-bay?

Yes, this is Alaska. But it's the banana belt of Alaska.

The morning after

2006-11-10T16:44:00.000-09:00

Last night I wrote nine pages. A chapter.

Some of it is pretty good. Some of it sucks. It's a first draft, so it's okay to have parts that big time stink. It's a first draft, so it's simply amazing when any part of it works at all.

When I went to bed I felt pretty good about the whole thing though. Well, as good as a writer feels with a first draft chapter.

When I woke, I had the morning after jitters. Every writer knows what they are. Oh. My. God. I. Wrote. BUT. Oh. My. God. It. So. Sucks.

There's an urge in the pit of my stomach to hit the delete key. Because at this stage of the game I fight the feeling of no one will care. In the end, no one will care about the characters, the story, none of it. They'll think it all sucks, because right now, it does suck.

But in a few days the stick will turn blue. And I'll know deep in my gut there is a viable idea trying to find its way onto the pages.

At that time I'll get really nervous. But it's also the stage where I'll fall totally in love with the characters and story. Because if I don't, no one else ever will either. If I don't do the best job that I can while creating this wonderful viable idea on the page, no one will ever have the chance to meet these people.

I'm fighting everything within me to not read those nine pages. I really want to read them. I want to see how horrible they really are.

So far I've won the battle. I'll print them off and take them to work with me. I'll edit the hell out of them if I have time at work.

And that's the beauty of writing. Right now there's nine pages of crap. Yet, there's nine pages of hope, too.

We write because of the hope. Once we have those first words down, we have hope. We know we can take those sucky pages and turn them into something that eventually sings. There's even the hope that this one is the one. The one where it all comes together and makes a story that finds a home.

It really is the same feeling as the night after a good first date. All we can see at this stage is the potential. Which is a good thing, because getting the first draft down is one of the hardest parts of writing. Staring at a blank page and filling it with enough words to create potential can be very tiresome at times. Without potential and hope, bookshelves would be empty.

Yeah, the morning after is a good morning. A very good morning.

Gosh, how do I say this?

2006-11-09T17:14:00.000-09:00

I'll be the first to admit this...over the last year I've done very little writing.

Okay, there was a short period where I did some a few hundred pages of page vomit. It was totally crap writing, but it felt great to puke bits and bytes all over a blank page. Was it a story? No. Could it ever be a story? No. It only represents a few grand of saved fees that a shrink won't get. But it's not a story. Yes, there was a beginning, a middle and an end. There was plenty of conflict. But it never had anything that would make a stranger, which is what most readers are, care on bit for the characters. So, it's page vomit at best.

Over the last year I've learned so much. Not all the lessons were easy ones to learn, but learn them I have finally done.

Writing is a lonely career. As a writer we go to this place within ourselves to create fictional characters. Almost every character I've ever created has come about from a trait, an action or something from real life. Someone said or did something that intrigued me. I wanted to explore what made them say or do that thing. Or something would happen to someone and I was curious about the different ways people might react to such a thing.

I know there are people who don't understand me. They don't understand how I can handle so much alone time. It's part of being a writer.

I have to admit the last six months has had way too much alone time though. I live alone. Because I work the hours I do, I'm the only person in my department at work. So I've spent most of the last six months alone. I've done all my shopping alone. I've eaten almost every meal alone. I've read every book alone. I've watched every movie and every television show alone.

While I've learned a lot about me, it's not a healthy way to live a life. Yet it opened me up in a way that I could finally learn some things that I needed to learn.

It also gave me the time and yes, the freedom, to spend a week watching DVDs. I didn't expect to learn anything from the experience, but learn something is exactly what happened.

I've watched a series that works and was able to figure out why it works as well as it does. It's a wonderful marriage of characters, setting, conflict (internal and external) and pacing.

All those characters that I've created are bouncing around in my head. I'm slightly prejudiced, but I think they're great characters.

Then last night/early this morning, it came to me. The first line of a new book. And it felt great. I repeated it to a friend a few minutes ago. She loved it. She's a tough critic. I explained to her my plan. Because she had the first line of the book, and because she's read some of my works, she got the whole concept.

It feels right. It's the perfect marriage of my writing to date, the setting, the characters and all the story ideas I've explored already and want to explore in the future.

There's still a lot about the idea that I don't have, but the meat is there. I have so much of it already down on paper. And even more of it in my mind. I'd love to have a title. I really want a title, but maybe I'll try something new and start without a title.

What does all this mean?

Very simple. I found what's been missing in my writing.

It's time to go home and create the works that I've spent the last fifteen years trying to produce.

Things I'm looking forward to...

2006-11-07T07:47:00.000-09:00

I'm really looking forward to getting through this last ten day stretch at work. This time when I have my three day weekend, I'll only have five more working days left.

I'm looking forward to the ferry ride to Haines.

I'm not really looking forward to the drive through Canada and Alaska to get home, but I'm looking forward to being home again.

I am looking forward to spending some time in Tok. I'm looking forward to finally meeting Donna in Tok. She's an awesome woman. Anyone who can spend fourteen months living in a tent in Tok is pretty awesome in my book. And the fact she did it with her husband and their two kids is even amazing.

I think I'm also going to meet another lady in Tok. I hope so. She appears amazing in her own way, too.

I'm looking forward to me new future. I still don't have a clue where it will take me, but I know what it won't take me away from. My home. Even if I have to leave my home for a while, it won't be long term.

Mostly I am looking forward to going home. It's been a very long journey.

I remember the first time I topped Bay Crest and saw Homer. I knew then that I wanted to call that spot of the world home. It was July 1997. We wouldn't move there until March of 1998, but in a few short months we'd found a way to call Homer home.

When we opened our business one of the newspapers had an article about our new business. They asked me what I thought about Homer. It was true then, when I was brand new to Homer and it's just as true today, with almost a decade of calling Homer home, Homer is where the heart is.

One of the realtors uses that slogan now. I have no idea if she used it back then. Maybe she found that saying the same way I found it...she looked in her heart and it was filled with Homer. It doesn't matter, because it's home to many people and for most of us, it really is where are heart resides. Even when we're not there. Homer is where we leave our heart because we know it will be safe there. Our family and friends will take care of it while we're away.

It snowed again yesterday. Last night I went to work with it still snowing. Once I parked in the parking lot, I looked around me. I love the first real snow of the season. It's gorgeous. I looked around me. Snow was piled on top of the wires, tree limbs, benches, it covered everything. I wished I'd remembered to put my camera in my backpack. It was so pretty.

But as I walked toward the hospital, I longed for the first snow fall in Homer. I can't wait to see it snow on the landscape that is familiar to me.

I'm looking forward to sitting in my house while it snows. I'm looking forward to hearing the vehicles from the village speed down the hill and thinking how stupid they are to drive that fast in the snow.

I'm looking forward to the pizza at Fritz Creek.

I'm looking forward to the Homer Bookstore.

I'm looking forward to my grandchildren.

I'm looking forward to going home.

Snow

2006-10-30T17:55:00.000-09:00

It snowed in Juneau today.

Then it decided to rain.

Tonight it's supposed to be a mix.

I'd hoped to be out of here before this hit.

It was nice to be awake for a good portion of the day. I have one evening at work this week and then it's back to nights until I get the hell out of here. It makes it a lot easier to leave here if they force me to work nights all the time. I'm not sure if I've gotten this point across, but I hate working nights.

I really like the night shift crew, but I hate sleeping during the day light hours. I want to do things when it's light out.

I ran a few errands today and it was really nice being in the light of day, even with the snow falling and the cloud coverage.

Damn, this is lame. I'm resorting to blogging about the weather. Can life get any lamer?

The Red Hat Club

2006-10-29T14:03:00.000-09:00

Today I joined the "Red Hat Club". If you don't know what it means, don't worry about it.

But it's a mile stone.

The club itself isn't bad. But let me tell you, the initiation is a total bitch.

I made it. With almost everything intact. Okay, so my pride and dignity are a little battered, but they're still here with me.

In the next few days I'll compose a list of things that I want to accomplish. I won't post it here, but I'll have it in my mind and a piece of paper to remind me of things I want to do in my life.

It's all part of being part of the Red Hat Club. I finally made it. And it's not as bad as I thought it would be.

Yippee!!!!

Furniture

2006-10-27T12:38:00.000-08:00

While I was in Homer, I called to see how much it would cost to move my furniture back. I was given one price. It was doable.

I called the Juneau office today. The price changed by a few hundred dollars. It's no longer doable. I will end up buying it all over again.

I know if I do a quick sale in Juneau, I'll only get pennies on the dollar.

I think my best bet is to donate it. That way I at least get the benefit of a tax write off.

I hate to lose the furniture, but I'm not going to pay as much to get it to Homer as I paid for it.

I'm also not going to let it go for pennies on the dollar. I was offered fifty bucks for an $800.00 mattress and box springs. Nope. I would have let it go pretty cheaply, but not that cheap.

This is kind of deja vuish to me. When we left Ketchikan ten years ago, we basically lost everything. We went to south central Alaska and started over. We did pretty good for several years. No, we did damned good for several years.

We replaced and even added. In the ten years we replaced what we had to leave in Ketchikan, plus we now own, free and clear, our own place.

It would have been really nice to have kept the brand new furniture.

But the reality is...I know I can replace it when I get home.

It's not a big deal. Just a little sad. I would have liked to have kept it as one more good thing from Juneau. Hey, I'll take my almost new car back with me. And the most important thing I'll take back with me is my new peace of mind. That is worth more than any piece of furniture or vehicle.

It does make the packing a lot easier though.

Now all I need is to know my work schedule for my remaining time here. It would be nice to know when my days off are, so I'll know how to budget my time.

Because I really do need to start packing.

For the ladies

2006-10-26T10:38:00.000-08:00

I just read something and cringed. A newly divorced woman emailed a man she'd been on a date with and asked him out.

Ladies, do yourself a favor. If you're single, thinking of being single, or wondering if you're with the right guy, run, don't walk, but run to the nearest bookstore and get a copy of He's Just Not That Into You.

If you have to ask him anything other than where he's taking you after he's already asked you out, get rid of the jerk. If he's not asking you out, but making you ask him out, he's either just not that into you, or he's a lazy fuckwit. Either way, he's not for you. Do not lower your expectations to that level.

Asking a guy out is not being forward, it's being desperate and we're above that.

Forget what the feminist say. They don't know shit when it comes to male/female relationships. If we follow their advice we'll be promoting skankism and trust me, there's enough skanks in the world. And the only type of males we'll attract are the dreaded I'm-a-skank-magnent-and-proud-of-it male.

We deserve better than that.

Do. Not. Ask. Any. Male. Out.

Repeat after me, if I have to ask him out than he's just not that into me. Or he's a lazy fuckwit. I'm not going to waste my time on either type.

At the risk of pissing off my male readers, here's the reality. Men are giant potty trained two year olds. Has anyone seen a two year old not actively pursue what they wanted? Yes. They do it all the time. Men are the same way. If they want something, they pursue it with the same excitement as a two year old.

When a two year old wants a lollipop that's the only thing they want. If you offer them a piece of cake, they might take it, but they only play with the cake, smearing it all over the place. Once you dangle the coveted lollipop in front of them they abandon the cake, completely ignoring it.

Men are the same way. If you offer them yourself while they're waiting for their lollipop, they'll play with you, but they won't treat you any better than the two year old smearing the cake all over the table and walls.

Ladies, please, don't lower your expectations. Demand a man who treats you with the respect you deserve.

Being alone isn't fun, but being with a man who doesn't show you any respect is worse. And what's even worse than that is waiting for a man who doesn't treat you with any respect to call you. We are so much better than that.

Am I taking my own advice? I am now.

Which is why I'm going to save my marriage. My husband is actively pursuing me. He wants to protect me. (Hey, it's what real men want to do for the woman in their life.) There's a few years of hurt that we have to work through. I wish it was as easy as it was when we were first starting out. But it's not. I now know how deeply he can hurt me. But so does he.

The one thing I know, he wants me. I don't have to wonder what he's really saying when he speaks. If he's not clear, he repeats it until he knows it's clear in my mind.

There are three things any relationship has to have to be viable. It doesn't matter if it's a marriage, a friendship, or anything in between. If a relationship doesn't have all three of these things, it's not worth keeping on any level. Trust. Respect. Communication. It has to come from both parties.

There's nothing wrong with you or the guy if he's just not that into you. There is something very wrong if as a woman you accept the crumbs from a guy that just isn't that into you.

Don't do it. Ever.

Going home

2006-10-25T11:55:00.000-08:00

It's official. I'm going home.

As the old song goes, I'll be home for Christmas. Whew!

Actually, I'll be home before Christmas.

I have my last work day, plus my departure day from Juneau. I still don't have a new job lined up, but with all the options available, I'm not worried. Too much.

The countdown has started.

I will miss this job. The job was a great job. Juneau isn't so great. Like most things in Alaska, people love specific areas or they hate them. I'm not sure if I hate Juneau. I know that the thought of staying here for even a year makes me go crazy.

As I told my boss yesterday, I didn't feel this isolated in Dillingham. Juneau is very claustraphobic to me. The mountains are too in my face and the day after day after day of low clouds doesn't help. But even on clear days, it's too closed in.

I'm used to places that have a real sense of community. I haven't found community in Juneau.

I'm glad I came to Juneau. I do feel bad about not staying. I know the hospital put a lot of money into training me and I hate it that they didn't get their investment back.

I've learned a lot here. Especially about me. There are three spots in the state where I'd accept a full time permanent position without trying a temporary position first. All three of those spots are on the road system. And very close to home. They are in places where I could go home every weekend if I wanted to.

There are very few places where I don't feel physically safe. But home is where I'm not only physically safe, but emotionally safe, too. It's the place where I can step outside, inhale the clean air, absorb the view and know life is good. Life is very good.

Sunday evening Roger and I went to Land's End to eat. I stared out the windows like I'd done so many times in the past. During the summer we'd go there and listen to the tourists. Even back then I knew how lucky I was. People save a lifetime to get the honor of spending a week out of their life in Homer. Those views they'd have to leave behind were constants in my life. The people they found so welcoming and friendly were my neighbors.

Sunday evening I said to Roger, "I remember when I used to feel so very lucky to live here. I'm going to live here again. Soon."

A friend told me that he's found my year long journey amazing to watch. He's watched me search for something and in the end I found it...exactly where I'd left it.

Even Roger told me that he understood why I had to leave. That leaving had saved my life, and his. If I hadn't left, I would still be the shell of the person I was when I boarded the plane for Dillingham. And he would have remained the uber angry man that he'd been.

It's time to go home. It's time to put the pieces of my life back together. It's time to not give up on the life I left over a year ago. It's time to see who this man is that I married eleven years ago. It's time to see how much of the man I married is still there now that the anger has gone away.

Eleven years ago we had something special. I felt safe telling him things. I felt safe letting my guard down.

I saw hints of that man this last week.

I'm tired of having to be so strong every second of every day.

He wants to provide me with the safety he used to provide for me.

I'm on new ground. Once a relationship has gotten to the point that we'd gotten, I'd never tried to revive it. I've always given it up for dead.

But we're both going into it different than when we left. He's changed and so have I.

We had our first fight on Monday. We started to go back into our old patterns. But in the end we didn't. We talked it out. That's a big improvement.

Once I had a very good life. I'm reclaiming that life. That life included my kids, grandkids, home, dogs and yes, even my husband. At one time I had more than most people ever dreamed of having. Then we both took it for granted and let it die.

I still have an issue with trust, but in time I'll trust completely again. But in a different way. Not blindly this time. After all, we're both only human, so there will be times when each of us wants to be a little selfish. This time we both know that.

I'm going home and that makes me very happy, even knowing there will be some rough times in the future.

Stay tuned

2006-10-22T13:01:00.000-08:00

Big changes are going to happen.

Stay tuned to this spot for all the news.

Life is good. Life is very good. Exciting. Scary, but more exciting.

I don't know how things will work out, but what I do know, they will work out.

A few thoughts and observations

2006-10-20T07:57:00.000-08:00

Yesterday there was cloud coverage. Still it was a beautiful day. I drove into town and through the clouds the sun peeked through and shimmered on the bay. I had to stop and take a picture of it.

I can't count the times I'd seen that same thing over the years. All I know is that right now when I see it, I realize how important these things that I used to take for granted are to me.

I'm not as emotional as I was the first day or so I was back, but things happen or someone will say something and I still tear up.

The other day I went to the bank to change my address back to my Homer address. After I filled out the paperwork, Becky said, "Welcome home again." I teared up. I just smiled and pointed to my eyes. Then she told me about the year they lived in Anchorage and how her son was jumping up and down in the car begging her to drive faster when they were making their return trip to Homer.

I understood exactly what she was saying. She understood exactly why there were tears in my eyes.

That is why Homer is Homer. Most of us here know exactly why we're here. When we leave and come back, there are so many who understand what our time away was really like for us. They get how lonely and horrible it really has been.

There are times when I'll see a familiar view, just like the sun breaking through the clouds and shimmering on the bay and I'll tear up. I can't help it. These are the things that I've missed so much. These are the things that I've searched for first in Dillingham and more recently in Juneau. But they avoided me. At least in Dillingham I was able to see for miles and miles. And Dillingham does have a sense of community.

Neither Dillingham nor Juneau are my community though.

Here I can tell others that even the women in black are a welcomed sight. Again, they get what I'm saying.

I've made a lot of progress in many areas in such a short time. People are amazed at all the things I'm accomplishing. I'm amazed at times, too. But this is important to me. Very important.

In fact, this morning I had one more reminder just how important.

My oldest son is shipping out to Iraq tomorrow. I know I'm going to worry. It's my job to worry. Since I'm going to worry, I want to be home surrounded by family and friends. I need to be home, surrounded by family and friends.

Some of the things that's happened in the last few days are going to piss off friends. I can't help it. It's my life. I have to live it in a way that makes me happy. I know what I need for a happy life.

In a few hours I'm going to run into town and have lunch with my "unhinged" buddy. It will be fun and it will be so good to talk to a friend who I know will listen and be happy for me.

It's great to be home, even if it's only for a few days. I've missed this place where I'm completely safe, physically and emotionally.

Why in the hell did I ever leave? I know why, but those things are no longer true.

Where peace is at

2006-10-17T16:32:00.000-08:00

A few years ago my estranged husband, when he wasn't estranged, and I were talking about the continuing conflict in Israel. He said if the people of Fritz Creek and the people of the Russian village on out the road were warring with each other, he'd pack up and move from our chunk of land.

I didn't say anything, but deep down, I was thinking, I wouldn't. This is my home. This is more than a place to stay, it's my home. I wasn't sure what that meant at the time, but it was a feeling that meant something to me.

I've spent a little over a year roaming the state of Alaska in an attempt to find peace.

I've known for a while where it's at.

Yesterday I found it exactly where I knew I would.

It came in small steps. The first step was when I drove toward the airport and realized something. I was able to see Juneau. It had been months since I'd seen Juneau in the light of day.

Once I was on the plane and headed toward Anchorage, something happened within me. I could feel myself relaxing. Not a huge relaxation, but a small one. For the first time in my life I looked at Anchorage and saw the beauty there. I could see. Not only was it day light, but I could see more than a mountain shoved in my face. I could see for miles and miles and miles. I stood outside the airport soaking up the view. The clouds didn't bother me. The drizzle wasn't a problem. I could see. I could finally see what was in the distance.

I could have stayed there and been perfectly content.

But a few hours later I was on another plane. A much smaller plane. As we crossed TurnAgain, the wind whipped us around. It was scary, but in the distance I saw what I've been missing. The Kenai Peninsula. Home. The place that captured my heart almost a decade and hasn't let go.

Once the Kenai Peninsula was beneath us it happened. Silent tears fell. Not tears of sorrow, but of joy. I refused to think about when I'd have to leave again. All I cared about was the beautiful land beneath the plane.

Each air mile was as familiar to me as my heartbeat. It was Contentment with a capital C.

When we flew over Tustamena Lake I looked out my window toward the glacier. It reminded me how small and insignificant Mendanhall Glacier and Lake really are. More tears fell. I saw the area from the fire. I remembered the fire. I smelled the smoke from the fire.

Finally, after over a year of roaming, I was back in a place where I knew the history. A place where it's history and mine are intertwined.

Then she was before. Homer. More tears of pure joy.

A week ago I didn't plan to be here on my vacation. A week ago I had other plans. But this place is where I needed to come.

What it's done for me is more than anything or anyone else ever could. It's reminded me where my heart really is.

It's here in Homer. It's the land that is half mine. It's not one person, it's many people. It's my community of Homer.

This morning I got up and walked into town. I'm not sure how far of a walk it was, but it was a great walk. I took in so much of the scenary that I've missed over the last year.

This afternoon I finally came out to see what I came back to see. My home. My land. The place where I will build my home.

I'm sitting in the house where I used to live right now. The dogs are running around. It's like they sense a difference in me. This time I'm not anxious or waiting to see what's out there that I've missed.

I know what I've missed. I've missed my life.

My estranged husband and I are not going to reconcile. He's happy by himself and I'm happy by myself. And the truth is, there's room for both of us on seven plus acres.

I don't know when I'll be able to come back and stay for good, but I hope it's sooner rather than later. I really hope it is.

I miss my home. But while I'm home, I'm going to enjoy every second of it.

I went to Bishop's Beach today and walked it. I went to the spit and walked along the beach there. I've done more walking today than I have in months. But it's day light and I'm thrilled to be awake during the day and seeing my home.

Sorry to ramble. But seeing the Kenai Mountains, Kachemak Bay and the glaciers feeds my spirit. It's what attracted me to Homer in the first place. Nothing has changed about them. But after calling Homer home for so many years, I have the added benefit of knowing the people of Homer and calling them friends.

It's great to be home.

The winner

2006-10-12T23:14:00.000-08:00

My gut is back and talking up a storm.

I'm okay. I really appreciate the concern. I mean, I really, really do appreciate it.

The latest of a long list of things to deal with was the one where I reached the bullshit threshold.

Four hours of sleep and stumbling across some information that was very needed has made a huge amount of difference.

My gut was never silent. What it was telling me didn't make any sense, so I assumed it had bailed on me.

I was worried though. I was very worried.

I'm going on vacation. The first one in years. With the latest straw on the camels back I wasn't sure how I'd manage to do any such thing.

I wasn't sure if I even wanted my vacation. Then it hit me. Yes, I do want this vacation. I've worked hard for it. I've earned it. I'm going to rest, relax and have fun. And I'm going to be completely out of touch with the world. Good-bye bullshit. Hello, a few bullshit free days.

This space will be silent until after I've had those BS free days.

It always trumped everything else

2006-10-12T07:25:00.000-08:00

I'm suffering from informational overload. Or another way to put it is that I've reached my maximum capacity for bullshit.

It's pretty normal that when life decides to dump the BS on fast and furious it hits almost every aspect of my life. No area is safe, even the areas that I always thought were uber safe.

I'm tired. Strike that. I'm flat out exhausted.

As each event has been slung at me, I've listened to my heart, then my head and after they finished arguing, I listened to my gut. Listening to my gut trumps all.

But this time, with this latest, my gut is eerily silent. My heart is arguing one way, my head the other and my gut, my good old faithful gut is so stunningly quiet.

Or the few times it does come out to talk all it says is, "Wow. This is a tough call. You're on your own with this one."

Yeah, tell me about it.

Deja vu

2006-10-01T07:05:00.000-08:00

Lori, called me last night.

As soon as I heard her voice, I knew something was wrong. Very wrong. It kind of went with the icky feeling I get sometimes that something very bad is going to happen. I hate it when that feeling comes over me.

She can't blog right now. Hell, she can't even answer emails right now. She can answer her cell phone. But not her home phone.

Friday night she was in the basement and she heard a horrible sound. She ran up the stairs and discovered flames coming from the attic.

A little over eight years ago she came home from school and found her house nothing but ashes in the basement.

At least it isn't as bad this time.

Last time because no one was home she lost her cat. But all the kids were fine.

Because she was home, she was able to get her cat out this time. But she hasn't seen it since the night of the fire.

Last time she didn't have to worry about little things. You know things like...how do you remove smoke from clothing. This time she does. That's good, right? At least there is a chance she can start over with more than just the clothes on her back, right?

Fuck. I'm still in shock.

That's my sister. How in the hell do I tell her that things will be okay. It worked last time. She believed me. Hell, I believed me.

I don't have the pictures of the kids when they were little now. I gave them to her last time so she could replace the ones that burned.

Anyway, that's the latest news.

Do I have any problems? Nope.

Will I bitch about needing to clean my home? Nope. At least I have a home.

And this morning when I came home from work, the clouds weren't hiding the mountains. There's serious termination dust on those mountains.

Even so, I kept thinking about Lori. Fuck. How in the hell can that happen twice in less than a decade?

A few pictures from Homer

2006-09-25T19:38:00.000-08:00

A few images from the Homer spit.

That was quick

2006-09-23T01:24:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to entertain the potential option that was dangled in front of me earlier this week.

Something happened today (not to me, but to a friend) and it reminded me of when I was going through what she went through today.

She's got a long ass road ahead of her. I should know, since I've been on that same road myself. But there are differences in our roads. I realize that now.

I've separated the professional from the emotional mess that's associated with it. Professionally, I wouldn't gain anything. Hell, personally, I wouldn't gain anything.

I'm doing fine where I'm at--professionally and personally. It's not worth giving the potential option another thought. Sure there would be things that would be easier if it worked out, but there would be other things that would be harder. I'm making Juneau work for me.

It's good to finally feel comfortable with my choices. Being content is not over-rated. Not at all. In fact, it's a pretty good spot to be.

Navel gazing

2006-09-20T19:37:00.000-08:00

There's something that's bugging the hell out of me.

I'd love to talk about it, but...well...it's too close to navel gazing for my comfort level. Navel gazing? Yeah, that state where one has their head up their ass so far that they're looking out at the world through their navel.

I'd like to blame it on that trip to Tibet and conversing with the monks. But this is one thing I can't blame on the monks. Or Tibet.

It's not even options at this stage. It's the potential for options. I warned you...serious navel gazing.

A friend in Fairbanks believes everything in life happens for a reason. And that we're in specific locations for a reason. We might not know the reason, but according to the "Big Plan" of our life, we're where we're supposed to be.

I've said this to her many times. Bull shit. That pretty much gives us a pass when we screw up. Oh, I'm here at this place, physically and emotionally, in my life because it's part of my life's "Big Plan." Wow. Isn't that easy. I'm no longer responsible for the decisions I make. Or any of my mistakes. It's all part of the "Big Plan."

I can't buy into that line of thought. It's pretty close to the fundamental zealots that think everything good that happens is due to God, or whatever higher being they worship. And everything bad is due to not avoiding temptation from the devil or whatever evil being they fear. Yeah, it makes life simpler for them. No responsibility for anything. God gave me this. Or
I wasn't strong enough to resist temptation.

Whatever happened to a good old fashioned...oops, I fucked up? statement. Not only "oops, I fucked up, but now I have to figure out how to make things right again."

Oh, that's right. That requires responsibility and "Big Plan" or religion is easier.

Let's say my friend is right and everything is part of your life's "Big Plan" there isn't any pretense of us having any control over our lives. Am I the only one who wants to pretend that I at least have some control over my own life?

Yet, in some areas of my life I've realized I don't have control. And that lack of control has caused me to do some really stupid shit. Since I don't think the stupid shit is part of a "Big Plan" I have to decide what part of the screw ups that I'm soley responsible for that I need to fix, and which part of the screw ups I just need to walk away from.

Right now, I'm looking at a potential option and I just don't know if I should grab hold of it or walk away from it. It's a professional option, but it has so many personal emotions tangled up in it. I can't separate the two. If only I could, then I'd know if I should pursue this potential option. But since I can't untangle the personal from the professional, I don't feel comfortable entertaining the thought. But obviously, I have given it considerable thought, or I wouldn't be making this blog entry.

So there it is...navel gazing 101. Wasn't it fun? Aren't you glad you aren't in my head?

But life goes on. With our mistakes fully intact. Hey, some of the mistakes were at least fun. It's the ones that turned out to be mistakes that also weren't fun that are real pain in the butt. Yes? Yes.

Frost. Oh my.

2006-09-16T08:55:00.000-08:00

When I left work this morning my windows were covered with frost.

Oh my.

But it was worth it to see a few days of sun, clear skies and no rain.

The clouds and rain are supposed to come back sometime today.

Sigh.

It was nice. It was very nice.

Sun, Costco, staying up over 24 hours

2006-09-15T06:49:00.000-08:00

The pictures are from June 10th, 2006. They were taken at The Shrine for Saint Therese.

I'm a sucker for huge trees, especially moss covered huge trees.

These are the trees that I posted a few days ago. The one where I said it's simply amazing what those trees are hiding. Well, yes, they're hiding more trees.

But they're also hiding this gorgeous little chapel. I did go into the chapel, but something in me wouldn't let me take pictures of the inside. It was very nice inside though. New wooden pews. New stained windows. All in all it was as peaceful and serene inside as it was outside.
Yesterday was another sunny day. I wonder if people in Hawaii appreciate their sunny days as much as we love ours. When there are so many rainy days inbetween the sunny ones, everyone hates to waste them with things like work.

I got off work at 6 a.m., came home for a couple hours before a 9 a.m. appointment. After the appointment, I enjoyed the sun.

Then to put the perfect touch on the end of a perfect day, I stopped by Costco. My goal was to score a tub of grape tomatoes and some new bath towels. They have some big fluffy ones that I've eyed for a few months. Yesterday was the day to finally start my collection.

First things first. I got a couple of the bath towels. Yay. Oh, great, they had sheets for a good price too. Cool. I could use some more. Oh, look, they have more jeans. After all, a diet of grape tomatoes and living on the third floor means the jeans I bought when I came over here are pretty loose on me. So, it was time to buy new, smaller jeans again.

Finally, I went to the produce section. WTF?!!! Not one tub of grape tomatoes. None. Zero. Zilch. Crap. Hell. And a few choice thoughts of more serious profanity. What the hell could I do? What the hell would I eat?

Hehehehe. Screw that crap. They didn't have grape tomatoes, but by god they had chocolate.

Yeah. I have new smaller jeans and a Costco bag of chocolate. What's wrong with this picture? How many trips up and down the stairs will I have to make to still fit into the smaller jeans? Was that one of the stupidist moves I've made in a long time?

There is hope though. As much as it pains me to do so, I can always take the majority of the Costco sized bag of chocolate into the lab. I do owe one of my co-workers a lifetime of chocolate. She filled in for me when I was sick and it's been years since she's worked nights. Other than a few pieces missing after I opened the bag yesterday, it's pretty much intact. My first installation of a lifetime of chocolate for Maggie.

Hey, better her than me. And it was dark chocolate too. Man. That will kill me for sure. Giving up a huge bag of dark chocolate.

But I'll do it for the new jeans. I want to wear them.

Oh, the twenty-four hours. Because it was sunny, I stayed up for over 24 hours just so I could enjoy the sun. It was worth it. Around 5 p.m. yesterday I decided to take a nap. I woke up from my "nap" at 3:30 this morning.

I'd hate to live in the apartment under me. I've been doing laundry since 3:30 a.m. I wonder why they glare at me when they see me. Actually, I don't even know who lives under me. If I saw them I wouldn't recognize them.

Okay...it's about time for the rest of Alaska to wake up. I have a few hours of sun to burn before I nap before work tonight. More sun. Yes, we go manic here when the sun shines. Oh hell yes, very manic.

My favorite area

2006-09-13T19:34:00.000-08:00

Auke Bay is my favorite area. It's about fourteen miles north of Juneau. It's where the ferry terminal is located, so it was the first thing I saw when I arrived.

These pictures were taken on June 10th from north Douglas. It's another view of Auke Bay. One that I normally don't see, but just as impressive.

And this one is still from north Douglas Island. It shows Auke Bay and Mendenhall Glacier. Other pictures, that I might post later show how many boats were on the water that day. It was a gorgeous day.

On Douglas Island

2006-09-13T19:29:00.000-08:00

This is also from June 10th. It's a stream that we crossed on the way up to Eaglecrest, the ski area.

It's on Douglas Island.

It's been too long

2006-09-13T19:04:00.000-08:00

Today was/is sunny again. I slept through most of the sun.

But I was reminded of another day in June. June 10th to be exact when one of my co-workers and I went from one end of Douglas Island to the other and then we went to the north end of the road on the Juneau side and then as far south as we could on Thane Road.

This picture was taken about 25 miles north of Juneau, out the road. It's part of The Shrine for St. Therese.

Words can't describe what's hidden in those trees. Over the next few enteries, I'll post more pictures from June 10th. Though I have to admit, after a while I stopped taking pictures and just enjoyed the scenary.

In a little over a month I'll probably take that trip again. The one where I explore the whole road system again.

Stay tuned for Juneau at her best.

Trying again

2006-09-13T07:43:00.000-08:00

The last few days have been rough. I've tried to blog about it, but I keep deleting my thoughts.

Yesterday was very rough.

Today is better.

The friend that wasn't expected to survive the night did. He's still in very critical condition.

It's at times like this when the little things matter.

The sun shining on the mountain. No, it didn't last long, but for a few minutes it was gorgeous and I was so thankful I was awake to see it.

Instead of regretting that I didn't have a better camera to capture the image of the three cruise ships still docked as I went to work last night, I was grateful that I saw them.

They really are floating hotels. But at night, when it's dark and they're all lit up, and all those lights are reflected in the channel it's gorgeous. Somewhat like the white lights in Anchorage in the dead of winter, but without the severe cold, or slippery streets.

This morning on the way home, the clouds were low on the mountain. Instead of making me feel closed in, I felt safe and secure.

I don't know why one day they drive me nuts and on other days they provide comfort. But today they were nice.

As I crossed the bridge I noticed three ships were already docked and another one was coming down the channel.

How many of them will still be there when I go to work tonight? I don't know. But as I drive along the channel, I'll slow down at the clear spot and watch them.

In less than a month, they'll be gone for the winter. But they'll be back next spring.

Joey's still alive this morning. Better than anyone had dared hope for.

Last month he was on vacation, enjoying his wife and kids.

Days after he returned home he's been in and out of the hospital and now he's fighting for his life.

None of us really know what's wrong with him. Well, we know some of what's wrong, but we don't know why. How did it happen?

Life is fragile.

But even during times like now, when many of us are worried about our friend, life provides us with our own rainbow. Sometimes it's our interaction with those we love. Sometimes, like the last few hours, it's images of beauty.

So for my "unhinged" buddy, don't dispair. I'm still just as full of shit as you are, but today...well, today I wanted to share something a little different. Maybe the monks got to me.

And I've been thinking about Barbara. A lot. Fifteen months after her death, when I think of her it's the way she used to be. The quick wit. The ever present smile. The hug. The laughter. The jokes. The long talks. Looking out her window at her million dollar view.

All of this has returned as I watch Joey's best friend go through what I went through.

I hope there's a happier ending for them. I really do.

But as I watch this, I'm reminded of Barbara...not her death, but her life. And it's great to notice the sunshine on the mountains again.

It's great to be alive again. Enduring the bad, and celebrating the good.

Keep your friends close.

More on...

2006-09-11T19:29:00.000-08:00

This is and This is NOT regarding the Chick Lit saga. Wow. I almost typed wars and that would have been bad. Very bad. Because we know there aren't any wars going on.

All the contributors to both books are lovely people.

The editors of both books are lovely people.

The publishers of both books are lovely publishers.

I'm sure I must have misunderstood/misread/misheard/completely fucked up when I thought a reader pointed out that if a person buys a copy of the enemies...err, other sides book it is supporting the enemey...err other side.

I'm glad that wasn't the case.

I'd really like to discuss the latest James Blunt song, Good-bye my lover, Good-bye my friend, but since it makes my ears bleed, I'll just lower the volume and hope that it doesn't become a hit. Or maybe, since the title of this blog is "Ramblings from Alaska" I'll just do the obvious and turn off the generator so that magical box in the corner won't be producing music.

It's time to go back to things that Alaskans really worry about. Will the barge make it in with my case of Spam and Pilot Bread before winter hits? Will thirty cords of wood see me through the winter? Will there be enough road kill this winter to fill my freezer...err...make that cache? Will the bears hibernate before I fill my cache? Do I have enough fish to feed my team of dogs through the winter? Or will they rebel on about January 15th and refuse to haul my ass over the bridge? When will the creek by the apartment freeze? When it freezes how will I obtain enough water to flush the toilet?

In other words, no one and I mean no one takes me or my blog seriously. Hell, people who have never been to Alaska don't have a problem telling me that I don't know shit about Alaska and that I'm full of shit when I assure them not all of Alaska will be developed.

But let me make a comment about a couple of books and uh...gosh...it's like the world is clicking on my blog and treating my words with the same respect and devotion usually reserved for the monks of Tibet.

And honestly, I just don't have time for that type of devotion. Really. I just want to be a mouthy bitch from Alaska that the whole world ignores. Please don't do anything that will make me think people actually read this blog or pay attention to anything I ever say or write.

I'd love to stay and chat, but I must harness up the weiner dog team so I won't be late for work. Geehaw little doggies.

September 10th

2006-09-10T06:08:00.000-08:00

One year ago today, my life changed.

At this time I was at the airport in Homer, waiting to board the flight to take me to Anchorage. I knew I didn't have much time between flights. Would I make it to my connecting flight to Dillingham?

The first thing I noticed about the pilots from ERA Aviation was how young they looked. Was that really peach fuzz on their faces? Wait. One of them had a wedding band on. Didn't that mean he was probably older than he looked? Please tell me that a couple of 16 year old really weren't flying the plane. Oh please tell me that.

By the time we were half way across Turn Again Arm the whole area was socked in with clouds. No, it didn't make me feel better. I had two very young pilots, and I knew somewhere in those clouds were mountains.

When we reached Anchorage I scrambled to get to the Alaska Air counter, get my ticket, get through security and reach the gate before the plane left. After I had my ticket in hand, the first thing they did at security was take my lighter from me. WTF? The guy there looked at me like I was trying to pull a fast one on them. "It's been that way since April," he said not so nicely. I looked at him and laughed. Then I said, "Great. I haven't been on a plane since June of 1997." He looked at me. "Really?" "Yes, really. I knew there would be some changes, but I didn't know what they were." "You haven't flown since 1997?"

As much as I would have liked to have stayed at chat with him about such an un-Alaskan thing, not flying for that many years, I had a plane to catch.

Or so I thought. Turns out they eventually cancelled that flight. Instead of leaving at 9 something or another in the morning, we wouldn't leave until after 5 p.m.

Great. I had all those hours in the airport, with plenty of cigarettes and nothing to light them with. And smoking meant leaving the security area and having to go through it again and again and again. By the time my flight did leave, the people in security knew who I was and we were on first name greetings.

Last night Lori called. We talked long enough to kill the battery on her cell phone and we finally ended our conversation when we were close to killing the battery on her land line phone. Last night I didn't realize it was September 9th. Or that in the morning, it would be the one year anniversary of when my life changed.

But we did talk about the last year. For both of us. Which is another reason why I love talking to Lori. We can talk in sentence fragments and we get what the other is saying. Every time.

I don't know where I'll be next September 10th. There are things going on in my life that I don't understand. Lori understands some of it in a way that I still don't. She says in time I'll fully understand. Maybe. Maybe not.

All I know is she assures me things will be fine. More than fine.

Reminds me of something that happened about twenty years ago. Mom told me that out of all her kids she never had to worry about me. "No matter what happens, you manage to take the worst situations and turn them into something good. I used to think this one would knock you down to where you couldn't get back up, but you always come back, stronger and better."

I asked her why? Why couldn't I just leave things as they were. She laughed. "Because you've always had to find the answers to the questions the rest of us are too afraid to even ask."

The truth of it was revealed a few days ago at work. A woman who has only known me for a couple months said to me, "Fire engine red."

I told Lori about it last night. She knew what that lady meant. Mom would have known what that lady meant.

September 10th, 2005, I started stripping all the dull grays from my life to make room for my old familiar life colors. Fire engine red.

Will I get knocked on my ass? Yep. That's part of living life as a fire engine red. Will I pick myself up again? You betcha.

Will I understand the things going on in my life that I don't understand right now? Yeah, Lori, you're right. There will come a time when I stop fighting what you already know and what deep down I know, too.

Hey, we both tried to play it safe. Look what it did to us. We're both fire engine red. It's what makes us happiest. Well, that and pissing off the feminist.

Random thoughts from a twisted hungry mind

2006-09-09T09:47:00.000-08:00

Working nights.

The positive thing about working nights is that it's supposed to give you permission to sleep during the day.

Cool. Except. Sleeping during the day is only fun and slightly sinful when you've spent the night hours having fun. Working nights isn't usually considered fun.

But. When you work nights it means you can eat burritos at seven a.m. and it's normal.

You can also eat breakfast at any time of the day or night and it's considered normal.

It's okay to cook and eat a chicken pot pie before 10 a.m.

It's not okay to crave Chinese delivery before 8 a.m. Well, it's okay, it' just won't get delivered in a timely fashion. Ditto Godfather's pizza.

It took me from May 13th until September 1st to realize I can pick up the phone, dial a number and have food delivered to my door. I still haven't had it done yet...since they don't deliver before 8 a.m., but I can have it done.

Subway has a drive thru window.

Breeze-In has the best bagels I've ever had and a selection of cream cheese that is out of this world. My favorite is their raspberry bagel with raspberry whipped cream cheese. I'm still waitinig to strike it rich and go in when they have chocolate whipped cream cheese to go with the raspberry bagel.

My favorite meal is still a container of grape tomatoes and garlic bread.

I have to...okay Lori don't fall out of your chair with this one...remind myself to eat meat at least once a week.

Unless I'm sick and then I just have to remind myself to eat at least once in every 24 hour period.

Obviously, I'm getting better because I'm thinking of food.

Delivery would be very nice. But a big fat juicy burger from the Douglas Cafe might have to do. Take out of course. Hold the fries. I'd rather have a container of Ben and Jerry's.

Catching up

2006-09-08T00:14:00.000-08:00

Three days off. Yay! I just spent the last fourteen hours sleeping. This is my recovery weekend. I'm feeling much better. Amazing what antibiotics and sleep will do.

The great literary debate of 2006. Two books. This is Chick Lit and This is NOT Chick Lit. Sorry, I'm too lazy to include links. Women bashing other women. Or is it? According to the email loops that I'm on, men don't bash other men. Right. Maybe those who claim that should have a one on one discussion with Stephen King.

There's a discussion about boycotting the authors of This is NOT Chick Lit. What many appear to forget is this book also has an editor and publisher. Why not boycot the editor and publisher? Oh, I wonder if the reason they aren't going after the publisher is because the publisher is Random House? I wonder how many chick lit books Random House and all its imprints publishes a year. I don't have the numbers, but from a casual glance at my bookshelf, plenty.

Stop the bickering. If either book gets people to read, who in the hell cares what the title on the cover says? It doesn't matter if you're bashing one or the other, you're just as bad as the ones you think are bashing you. Get over it. Hell, Amazon is bundling the two books together. Smart move on their part. Because I think a lot of people who order one will order the other to see what the fuss is all about.

Me? There are times I want serious and times when I want funny and times I want both at the same time.

Leave the bashing to Miss Snark and her Crap-O-Meter.

In other news, not that it's really news. Summer is over. I did enjoy July 28th, but I slept through August 20th. Hey, at least I did enjoy one of our two days of summer. Better than sleeping through both of them.

Soon the last ship will sail into Juneau, stay a few hours, then sail away, leaving the docks deserted until next spring. I think most of us here are ready for the last sailing. It's nice to see the new faces in the spring, but it's time for them to leave us alone for a while. Before long the politicians will come back to town. It's nice to have a break between those two events.

Which means, I need to take this time when the summer group is leaving and before the politicians arrive and find a new place to live. I don't want to spend the winter in this apartment. I'd like an apartment that's on the ground floor. One that's in the valley, where they don't get as much rain as we do on Douglas Island. The valley also gets direct winter sun. I'd also like a place where I can come home from work and find a parking place. Oh, and one that has working appliances would be very nice. Yeah, I know, it's the little things. They really do make life much nicer.

Speaking of life. I have a friend who is fighting for his life as I type. After getting the latest report, I do have hope that he'll pull through this. But he's not out of danger yet. Not by a long shot. His wife needs him to stick around. His kids need him to be there for them. Hell, his friends need him, too. If you're the praying kind, please say one for him.

Even with all that going on, life is good. I'm getting better. It looks like the stall in the divorce might not last near as long as I'd feared. Work is going very well. Each day, there's more to celebrate than there is to complain about. And I have something really fun lined up for the near future.

Some blue in the skies

2006-09-02T13:37:00.000-08:00

And after yesterday, it's a welcome relief.

The first event was crossing the bridge. We had heavy rains and strong cross winds. Over the last few months I've heard that so far vehicles haven't been blown into the channel, but a few have been blown into the guard rails on the bridge. Oh great. Yesterday was a two handed driving day. Especially on the bridge. The worst thing about crossing it was knowing I had to come back across when I finished my errands and then cross it one more time when it was time to go to work.

It was also a reminder about why I want off Douglas Island before winter hits. I don't want to drive across that damned bridge when it's covered with ice and winds roar down the channel. Plus I'd like to live in a spot where there's a chance to get direct winter sun light. It won't happen on Douglas. They have zero direct sun light in the winter time. And they also make their own weather over here. The rest of the Juneau area can be clear, but on Douglas we'll have rain and more rain.

But today, I came home, slept for about four hours and woke up. Why couldn't I sleep? Uh...why was there so much light coming in the window. I peered out. Holy shit! Could it be? Was it really? Yes, I looked out and saw patches of blue sky.

I can't sleep, so I think I'll spend some of the blue sky afternoon doing what I should have done a week ago. I'm going to go see a doctor and get something to kick this bugs ass. Yes, it's still hanging on and I'm sick of it. No pun intended. Well, maybe a little pun was intended. But not much of one.

September 1st

2006-09-01T05:36:00.000-08:00

It used to be that September marked the end of summer. Then after 2001, when September rolled around it was with a dread. What would happen this year?

Last September first I was busy getting ready to fly over to Dillingham. There was a little excitement, but mostly, I was terrified. What in the hell was I doing? I'd been out of the medical field since March 1998. What right did I have to think I could go back to my old career? Who in the hell did I think I was?

I'm as guilty as the next person. I want to have a crystal ball so I can see if I'm making a good decision or not. I'll admit it, I've been known to see what the cards have to say. Or even my astrological chart. Or any other number of things that supposedly guide us through life.

Had I seen last September 1st what the next year would have been like, I wonder if I would have gotten on the plane a few days later.

There's been so many ups and downs this past year. But now that it's behind me, I've learned so much. I hope I'm a better person. I think I am. I know there are things that I've found that I hope I'll never take for granted again. One of the most important things I found in Dillingham was me.

Not Jody, the mother. Or Jody, the wife. But Jody, the human. I'd lost her after decades of motherhood and marriage. Part of it was my own fault. I let others make me feel guilty if I wanted something for myself. So, playing the martyr was easier than bucking those that I loved.

In the last year, I've learned how to finally severe the umbilical cord between me and my kids. God knows all of us needed it. I've stopped feeling like I have to bail them out of every little problem they get into. Now I guide them when they ask for it. It's made my life so much easier. But...honestly, when my youngest got into trouble a few months ago, I tried to bail her out. She said, "No, Mom. I'll get myself out of this one." It stunned me. It hurt my feelings. It made me feel pretty useless. And it made me proud. My youngest taught me how to back off. I don't think I ever thanked her for that. Well, I am now.

I knew a year ago that my marriage had serious problems. I swallowed the huge disappointments and went on. The thought of divorce never crossed my mind. I was responsible for making sure it worked. After years of making sure doctor's appointments were kept, medicine was taken on time, bills were paid, groceries bought, and on and on and on, it was my responsibility to make sure I found a way to make us both happy. That was my job. A year ago, I honestly thought it was the only purpose I had in life.

Now? A year later? I'm responsible for my own happiness. I'm not responsible for the happiness and security of others. Just as they're not responsible for mine.

There are times when I do get lonely. But I've learned I'd rather be lonely by myself than lonely while living with another person. I'll take periods of loneliness over being miserable any day of the week.

I know there are observers who think I'm getting a divorce because of the man that used to let me wash his dirty dishes health problems. Normally, I let them think that. I let them think that I couldn't live with the part of the vows that referred to in sickness. I think it's easier on them to think that, since they are healthy. They don't have to worry about their wife running off.

Yes, it's easier to blame me. In reality, there is a lot that can be blamed on me, but we both got lazy. Neither one of us would face the real problems until it was too late. Health or lack of health had nothing to do with it. Not one damned thing. But if it makes anyone feel better to think that I'm that shallow, go for it. Because I did the best I could under those conditions. And so did the man that used to allow me to wash his dirty dishes. We did the best that we could and it wasn't good enough.

In the last year, I've made peace with myself and my failed marriage. I think the man that used to allow me to wash his dirty dishes has too. We still talk. I know there are times I piss him off. There are times he pisses me off. There are other times we still make each other laugh. But what we agree on, a year later, is we never want to live in the same house again. We don't want to be married to each other.

Knowing what I know now, would I have gotten on the plane last year if I'd had the crystal ball? I really don't know. There's been so many times when I've been terrified of my future. There's been so many times when loneliness had such a grip on me that it sent me into a panic. There's been times when I've sobbed like a baby because I've felt so lost.

Am I glad that I did board the plane? Yes. Every day I'm grateful that I didn't know what the future would bring and that I boarded the plane and started a new life for myself. Because in the last year, I've done something that I hadn't done for years. I've felt. My emotions are alive and healthy. Okay, sometimes too alive and maybe not always all that healthy. But after shutting them down for so long, it's great to feel. Even the sorrow.

A year ago I didn't know a lot of the people who have made the last year not only bearable, but at times fun. So, for those of you who have held my hand, offered me a shoulder, put up with me, endured me, laughed with me, cried with me, thank you so much.

Not long ago, one of my co-workers here in Juneau said, "Jody, you so fucking rock." Well, if I do, it's because I've got such a great support group of people who so fucking rock right along with me.

So for the first time since September 11, 2001, I can face September without dread. In fact, I sit here, typing in this blog and wonder where I'll be a year from now. What will the next year bring into my life that will amaze and please me. Yes, I know it will include some dumping. But that's life. Besides, I have the coolest friends that will be there to help with the bad and celebrate the good.

OSWDMMG??

2006-08-28T06:40:00.000-08:00

For visually challenged, it's Oh shit where did my Monday go.

It went the same place almost every day has gone starting with Wednesday. Actually, it started before Wednesday, but that was the day I noticed something was off. Really off. I talked to a friend on Wednesday. I'd only had two hours sleep. I couldn't go back to sleep and I couldn't wake up either. Said friend told me to get my arse back in bed. Okay, that wasn't exactly the language used. It was more like, "man, you have plenty of hours before you have to go to work. Take a nap." I did...about a four hour nap. And I needed every second of it.

Wednesday night/Thursday morning was a bitch. Not the worst, but for some reason it hit me harder than busy nights usually hit me. When the 6 a.m. crew rolled in, I stumbled out. But I had a few things that I had to take care of before I could go to bed. I had a letter to write that had to be post marked on Thursday. I really needed to get the dissolution and settlement papers sent to Homer so they could be filed. I'd signed them over two weeks ago, it was time to get them on their way.

So about noonish, I'd finished at the post office and came home and crashed. I know I woke sometime on Thursday afternoon/evening. When? I don't really know. But I didn't stay up very long. As it turned dark outside, I was back in bed, sleeping. And coughing. And coughing. And coughing.

Friday morning I woke pretty early. After dinking around for a few hours, I called to set up an appointment with Pete in a couple weeks. Oops. Pete had an opening Friday afternoon. What the hell. I scheduled a one o'clock with him, and ignored the zillion cats trying to claw their way out of my throat and the coughing and the floating head syndrom.

By the time Pete finished with me, I looked at him and asked, "Is there anything in this world that a trim, dye job and divorce can't fix?"

Well, yes, there is. To make the rest of this somewhat short, I went to bed at 8 p.m. Friday night and got up at 5 a.m. this morning (Monday). In the hours inbetween Friday and Monday, I spent about 12 of them awake. My legs aren't rubbery now. My head isn't floaty. My throat feels much better. But two hours and one shower later and I'm thinking it's nap time again. I really want to go to work tonight. It's bad enough wasting my days off being sick. It's worse using paid leave for sick days.

A day late and a novel short

2006-08-24T19:34:00.000-08:00

Today I discovered that right now agents and editors love, love, love books with heaven and or hell in them. Isn't that special. The project I started over a year ago is now a hot, hot, hot trend. Too bad all I did was just write the first few pages.

Sure I could crank out pages, but they'd be sucky pages.

The way I learned this is another writer completed a first draft of a book set in the afterlife. She said it was the toughest book to write yet. World building is really tough.

Yeah, I know. That's what got to me. It's a whole new world and the rules have to be consistant. And anyone who knows me, knows the one thing I'm not is consistant. I like changing the rules as I go along, which doesn't work in this situation.

And right now I'm not sure if I have the time or energy required to actually make...ya know...rules for the new world of the afterlife.

Secrets

2006-08-24T08:04:00.000-08:00

Especially family secrets. Are they in every family?

I know to an extent they are. But does every family have a secret that continues to tear it apart, generation after generation?

It's one thing to watch a family secret shred the lives of my generation. It's another when that same fucking secret is impacting the lives of my children, my nieces and nephews, and their children.

Has anyone ever found a way to stop the destruction of a family secret caused? If so, how?

Above the mountain tops

2006-08-20T06:59:00.000-08:00

On the way home this morning I stared in awe. I saw the tops of the mountains. I saw empty space between the mountain tops and the gray overcast clouds.

The last day that it didn't rain and the skies were blue was July 28th. The time before that? I don't remember. But it was at least two weeks.

It stopped raining sometime yesterday, August 19th, between 0930 and 1600. This is the longest stretch without rain since July 28th. I'm almost hopeful that today might be a rainfree day.

I know I need to get to sleep so I can work tonight. But everything in me wants to change clothes, drive over to Auke Bay and go out whale watching. They leave in two hours and they won't get back until after 1900 tonight. I have to sleep. I don't want to sleep.

I look at my pay stub. I have the hours to take a sick day. But I'm not sick. Except I was. I was sick of the rain and the low clouds.

Right now the clouds are high in the sky. There's so much to see. Which means there has to be so much to do.

I'm going to bed. Please let the day be as gorgeous when I wake up. Please, please, please.

The one that got deleted.

2006-08-18T03:01:00.000-08:00

The title: Thanksgiving 1981.

I can see Lori now. Her eyes are wide, her mouth has hit the desk and she's chanting, "oh, fuck," over and over and over again, but there's a small flicker of a smile on her face.

There's a huge smile on mine.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel. All I have to do is get through it. Man, I hate tunnels. I hate anything that confines me.

Once I get through this damned tunnel, if I round the curve and see another one, I'm going to be one pissed off bitch. That's a promise.

OSIM Monday

2006-08-13T19:59:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's "Oh shit it's my Monday" time.

Friday and Saturday are slow ship days. Nope, I don't mean that only really slow ships come to town. I mean there's usually on one large ship docked at a time. The other days usually have three to five docked at a time.

This ship isn't one of the largest I've seen. It's about average.

So, nothing serious today. Nothing funny. Hell, it's my Monday. There's nothing funny about Mondays. Really. Honestly.

But for three nights I was able to sleep while it was dark and I miss sleeping in the dark. But that's for another time.

My mother

2006-08-12T19:50:00.000-08:00

I never planned to write about this.

I took pictures yesterday and I was going to post them.

But a few minutes ago, life changed. I found out a friend is with her mother now, holding her mother's hand as she dies.

It's reminded me of that time in my life. Ten days before my mother died, my oldest brother called me. He told me Mom had signed up for hospice. We all knew the cancer had spread and things weren't looking good, but signing up for hospice made it all so real. While nothing had changed, everything had changed. We no longer had the luxury of hope that she'd beat the cancer. It was official. Our mother was going to die. Then my brother explained why he called me, my parents had decided they weren't going to tell me that Mom was in the final stages.

I was almost as stunned with that news as I was with the actual fact she was truly dying.

A few minutes later, Dad did call me. He admitted that at first they weren't going to tell me, but in the end, they realized I needed to know. Finally, it was time to talk to Mom. I begged her to let me come back. She was firm. No. I was to stay where I was and continue on with my life. Then she did what she had always done so well, she turned into my mother. "You can't change anything here. But if you come back, you'll change everything there."

And she was right. Had I gone back, it would have set my education back a year. Which would have ended it for me. I would have quit school. She knew it even if I didn't at the time.

That last year was hard. There were times my degree felt like a double edged sword. There were days that the only way I could get up in the morning was to make her death meaningless. Before she died, my education was for me. After she died, the only reason I finished was for her.

She knew what it would cost me to stay in school and not be with her during those last days. I knew what it would cost her for me to not be there.

And no one will ever make me question that again.

There were so many things my mother taught me and gave to me. She taught me how to laugh. She gave me her strength. She taught me the beauty of forgiveness when she asked me to forgive her. She taught me the joy of learning how to trust again when I had no reason to trust. She taught me how to not only love, but to accept love.

She taught me it's okay to not have all the answers, or even most of the answers. She taught me how to pick myself up and go on. She taught me how to hang on like a pit bull it's required and how to let go when it's the best thing to do. She also taught me how to tell the difference.

And together we taught each other that it's more than okay for a parent and adult child to also be close friends.

The only thing left for her to give to me was my financial independance. Which was why Mom and Dad struggled with telling me she was going to die. She knew if she denied me being with her as she died, I'd turn into the pit bull and sink my teeth into finishing school. And just like a pit bull, I wouldn't have any idea why I was doing it, but I'd know that I had to.

Yeah, even on her deathbed Mom could be a little bit manipulative. It was the pit bull in her.

One of these days, I'll have to let go and forgive the person who spent years trying to tarnish her in my eyes. But not yet. Right now it's giving me the strength to do the things I must do to get my life back on track.

In time, my friend will fall back on all the little lessons her mother taught her. She'll get through this. It will be one of the hardest things she's ever had to do, but my friend is strong, courageous and will be fine.

Eventually, she'll realize what I've realized, to do justice to these wonderful women who gave us so much in life, the only way we can repay them is by living the life they gave to us.

So, here I am, on the bicycle of life, peddling past Mom. "Hey. Look at me," I shout at her. Then I toss my hands into the air. "No hands."

She shakes her head at me. "It's about time you trusted yourself and just let go."

Yeah, isn't it?

The things we take for granted

2006-08-11T10:34:00.000-08:00

In the last twelve hours, I've had the luxury of experiencing two things I wondered if I'd ever experience again.

The first is something most Alaskans face in the summer time, but not this time of year. For the first time since since the beginning of summer I was able to go to bed while it was dark outside. It was great! I've missed sleeping in the dark. And shades on the window just isn't the same. True, I only slept for about four hours, but it was four hours in the dark of night. Yes!!!!

Which might or might not be directly related to the second thing I've done with great ease today. I've started over on an old project. From scratch. I have over 300 brand new words. Plus...I have what will probably end up being the query letter, meaning I know going in what the theme is, the conflict, both internal and external, and where this story is heading. It's also a decent beginning to a synopsis. Yay!!!!

Sleeping at night and writing are two things I used to do without even thinking about them. My dear, dear, dear friend Annalou has told me at least a zillion times that it would all come back to me. But I didn't really believe her. I knew I had lost the ability to write. I knew the words wouldn't come and the characters would start acting like surging hormonal teenagers. Completely uncontrollable. But...I started with a tentative first page. It sucked. So, I paced the floor. Thought about taking a shower and had the first sentence just pop into my head.

I rushed to the computer where the crappy beginning stared at me. I quickly typed in the first sentence. Which lead to a second sentence. And before I knew it, I had the first page. Okay, I could finally take a shower.

In the shower, I edited that page. Not literally, but in my mind. The POV was all wrong. This story was all wrong in first person. It would only work in third person. When I sat down with it again, I saw all the spaces where I used ten words when two did the job. Delete, delete, delete.

Hey, three hundred and fifty more pages and I'll be done. Okay, I can't look that far ahead right now. With any luck, by the end of the day, I'll have close to a short chapter finished. If not, there's tomorrow to finish the chapter. Then I can spend the rest of the week editing the first chapter.

When I go out in a few minutes, I'll stop by Freddies and get a poster board and colored post it notes. That way I can track the characters and plot by just glancing at the poster board.

Life is good. Very good. I've missed the characters talking to me. For the last year they've been silent. But they're talking again. Right now, they're not too happy with me. The conversation goes something like this: "What? You want to go shopping? At a time like this?"

"Yes, I need to get a few things. You know little things like milk, caffiene, etc. If you expect me to listen to your constant whining, I must have a few things in the house to keep me going."

"You can't go shopping now. You've only started listening to us."

"Really, it will be okay. I'll be back in a few hours and I can pick up where you left off. After all, you aren't so out of control you won't remember where you left off, right?"

"Don't. Go. Shopping."

"Is that an order?"

"Yes."

I reach for the mouse.

"Wait. I wasn't serious. Please don't turn off the computer. It's all dark here when you do that. We'll be good."

"You're so pathetic."

"Hey, if you're really going shopping, don't forget the chocolate. You're so much nicer when you've had your daily dose of chocolate. And maybe you could find the Gnarls Barkley cd."

"Good bye."

"No. Don't shut off the computer."

"God you're such a weak shit."

"Am not."

"You are too."

"Fuck you. See, I'm tough."

"Just because you can say fuck you, doesn't mean you're tough at all. It usually means you're not only weak, but have a very limited vocabulary."

"Bite me."

"And to think out of all the characters running around in my brain, I picked you."

Trust me, writing is not for the weak. Next time I'll tell you when I threatened my characters with celibacy...in a saga no less.

"You wouldn't dare."

"Ya think?"

"Sex sells and you know it."

"So does torture."

"Gosh, haven't you lost a few pounds? Didn't you do something with your hair? You're looking pretty good now days."

"Flattery will get you--"

"Laid?"

"No. It won't get you anywhere."

Okay, off to get my errands for the day out of the way.

It's great to feel like I'm finally back.

Yay and bummer

2006-08-10T15:59:00.000-08:00

First the yay! Lori's back in blogger land. Damn, girl, you had me worried. Okay, not too worried, but a little. It's not like I didn't have any idea what was going on in your life. But still, I missed my fix.

Bummer. My buddy Nick is having problems with his email. That's because he's still stuck with Outlook. Nick, this is the best link I'll ever give you. Use it. Honestly. This is the best email program. I've used it for years. They have a web browser, too. Friends don't let friends use Outlook.

I've been issued a challenge. One hundred words a day. Come on I can do a hundred words a day. No problem. But doing a hundred words a day that includes motivation, goals and character...that's not near as easy. What the hell. I think I'll do it.

I have one scene already mapped out. I guess that's the place to start, even though it's not the beginning or the end. But it's the tone. It's the story I want to write. People settling for less than. People accepting crumbs when they know there's so much more. They say write what you know. Well, as one who until a few days ago was content with the crumbs of life, I guess I know that a little too well.

What's Juneau like?

2006-07-31T14:55:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if I understand Juneau, or if Juneau is teaching me things about myself.

Once upon a time, I lived in Ketchikan. When people talk about southeast Alaska, the main negative comment is all the rain. After living in Ketchikan, I was positive the weather in southeast Alaska wouldn't bother me. After all, I loved Ketchikan and it rains at least twice as much there as it does in Juneau.

One of the doctors in Dillingham used to live in this area. He made comments about how he didn't realize it until after he left the area, but he'd been depressed while here. Then when he got to a place where the sun shines, he went a little manic. I remember thinking, oh so smuggly, that I wouldn't have that problem. I've survived Ketchikan, Juneau would be a piece of cake.

Well, I'm not so smug now. I'm still not sure if it's the rain, clouds, or fog. I think in my case, it does have more to do with the geography than the weather.

I'm used to the Alaska where the weather can be crappy, but on clear days, it's gorgeous and the views open up to where I could see forever. I grew up in the wide open spaces of Kansas. When I spent over a decade in Nevada, it wasn't down in the valley, it was outside of Reno, on a hill, where I could look out and see forever on a clear, smog free day.

In Homer, there are many areas where I could stand and see Augustine, which is over 60 miles from Homer.

In Juneau? I look forward, and a mountain blocks my view. I turn to look another direction and another mountain blocks my view. I turn around and feel as if yet another mountain is shoved up my arse.

Every direction I look in this area, I'm forced to look inward at something. It's impossible to look outward. Which forces me to look inward at myself. Since I've spent the last year, and even a few before the last year looking inward, I want to look outward.

I know I'm not healed yet, but I know if I can't get that outward view, I'll end up going in a direction that I don't want.

A buddy of mine used to live here, when he was much younger. Before I came over here, he told me how great Auke Bay was. I agree. Auke Bay is a great area. It's the closest I can get to what feeds me internally. But there's one small problem with Auke Bay. Unless I've missed something, if one doesn't live there, one doesn't have access to the beaches now. It doesn't take too many times of being limited to just a drive by before even Auke Bay loses its appeal. I can see it, but I can't experience it.

I'm feeling very confined here. Geographically, and emotionally. It's as if gloom and doom has taken over the area and no matter how hard I try to get away from it, it refuses to let go. I'm sure some of it is because of the weather, but mostly, it's the being shut in by the mountains that surround the whole area. These mountains aren't off in the distance...they're right here, in your face.

And the people...I hate to make blanket statements, but I've met a lot of people here and I've only found one who actually loves living here. The rest are here until they can leave. Even the ones who have spent decades here...they're waiting for the day when they can escape. Most of them want to go Outside.

I miss Alaska. I miss living among Alaskans.

The spirit of Alaska does not reside in Juneau. From what I can see, very few real Alaskans call Juneau home.

As a whole, the people here aren't nice. I've seen more bigotry here than I've ever seen since moving to Alaska. So many here hold a real contempt for the Alaskan Bush. They hold a real contempt for the Native population.

Independance is barely a word here, it's most assuredly not a lifestyle option.

Moving to Juneau was a mistake. One that I hope I can fix sooner rather than later. The job is fine. I'm actually enjoying aspects of it. But the community, or lack of community isn't okay for me. I'm used to community. I'm used to having real neighbors. I'm used to living among independant people.

If I have to stay longer than I want to stay, I can endure living here. But at this stage of my life, I don't want to have to endure. I've worked too hard to settle for enduring.

Juneau is a nice place to visit. Don't get me wrong. There's some gorgeous scenary here and short term, the people are interesting. But long term? No. This isn't home. It doesn't offer any of the things I want in a home.

I'd willingly give up the glaciers, trees and mountains for the mud flats of TurnAGain Arm. Because I know what's past the mud flats, in all directions.

I know what I want. This time, I've searched within myself to find what fits me best. I haven't gone to others to see what they would do. Had I searched within myself this completely a few months ago, I wouldn't have left Dillingham. I can't undo that mistake, but I can undo this one.

Wish me luck.

Fireweed and ice

2006-07-23T18:38:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, before taking pictures of bear mischief, I went out to Mendenhall Glacier again. Click on the images to increase their size. That way you can actually read the sign.

It was a nice cool evening, especially with the wind coming off the glacier.

As I strolled along the path, I was on my cell phone talking to friends in Homer. It was nice to have someone along for the view. These pictures are for everyone to enjoy, but mostly they're for Dave and Missy. These are the images I saw. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

It looks like a chunk of ice here. But when it's with the rest of the glacier, it's not plain nor ordinary at all.

Isn't it neat how the retreating glacier left the rock wall so the forest service had something to display the ice on? Okay, if you're buying the glacier forming the rock wall, contact me. I have some prime land that I know you'd be interested in purchasing.

This is the glacier, with the waterfall that Dave said sounded like static when we were talking yesterday.

I'm not sure if I keep returning to Mendenhall to see the glacier or to view the waterfall. It's a toss up, really. One of these days, when the bears aren't so thick, I want to get closer to the waterfall. I'm not sure if I can get close enough to feel the spray on my face, but one of these days when I don't have to fight the bears to get there, I'll find out.

And here she is...Mendenhall Glacier, with several freshly calfed or is it calved icebergs in Mendenhall Lake.

This last week, I questioned if I'd made the right choice by coming to Juneau. I'm still not sure, but I do know it helps when I get out of my dark, dreary, gloomy apartment and explore the area.

I have to find a new place to live. After ten days of spending way too much time in my apartment, I've seen how it affects me. And it's not a pretty picture.

My goal is to get a place in the valley, so I can get to the glacier and Auke Bay easily.

Because this place is very pretty.

I can't count the times I've walked by this area without paying attention to the small pond. Last night it caught my eye. I hope the camera does the image justice.

And then I went to the grocery store to buy some fruit to eat while at work. These last two pictures are for Dave and Missy, too.

When I pulled into the parking lot at the store, I noticed the fireweed. I thought of you guys. I think it's safe to say, the fireweed is doing just fine here. Winter appears to be right on schedule.

From the cloudy, rainy southeast of Alaska.

Holy Bear Scat

2006-07-23T18:02:00.000-08:00

Around 0230, this morning, when it was very dark outside, I stepped out to enjoy a smoke.

This is what I discovered. But remember, it was VERY DARK when I first saw this.

I inhaled very quickly. So much for a relaxing smoke.

Once inside, I mentioned to the nurses in ER there was trash scattered about. "Oh, yeah," one said, "there was a bear out there about thirty minutes ago."

Ya think?

I took these pictures a little after 0600 when I finished my shift. It was much lighter at that time.

Just a reminder. This is the hospital in the third largest city in Alaska.

But wait. The bear was curious.

He decided to explore another trash can. The first one is by the main entrance. The second on is outside the gift shop.

The bear has answered two questions. Is smoking hazardous to your health? Well, in Alaska, in the middle of the night, if one smokes outside, yes.

The other age old question: Does a bear shit in the woods?

Not always. Sometimes they'll leave a pile of scat on the sidewalk by physical therapy.

These are pictures most cruise ship tourists never get to take.

Happy bear scat hunting to all of you.

Seven eleven

2006-07-11T20:50:00.000-08:00

That's the date. Where is this month going to?

On my way to work today I noticed the fireweed. It's half way up the stalk. Oops. Oh. My. God. Where has half the summer gone? Okay, so for those of you who don't live in Alaska, yes, I know, your summer just started. This. Is. Alaska. Ours is basically over when it starts. Shorter days. Longer nights...and on it goes until we wake up and the hair in our nose freezes with that first breath of fresh air when we walk outside. Or our feet slip out from underneath us because we just knew it wasn't time to strap on the YakTraks yet.

But winter is around the corner. Right now we can still have a fruit salad that has all those different flavors. Veggies are nice and crisp. A lot of times my meals consist of items from the produce aisle. Tonight I had grape tomatoes and garlic bread. How fast can I go through a two pound package of grape tomatoes? Uh...from the looks of it, about 24 hours.

It's times like now when the desire to go back to Dillingham dulls. I don't want to go without fresh produce again.

I don't have a television, so I listen to the radio. I can listen to the radio here. I couldn't in Dillingham. The selection there stunk, IMO. Sorry all you NPR supporters, but 24/7 of NPR makes me want to puke.

I love my cell phone. Love, love, love it. I had to give it up in Dillingham.

But...even with all those things I can't have in Dillingham, there are times I do miss being there. What do I miss? The people.

Still, I do like it here. I go through periods when I want something familiar and safe, but those moments pass and I'm fine again.

There are times I get frustrated with myself. Why do I really like it here one minute and want to run away the next? All I have to do is remember the past year. It's been one major change after another.

I went from Homer, a place that had been my home for years, to Dillingham. I went from being a wife and care giver to being an employee. I went from thinking my life was pretty stable to going through a divorce. I went from a safe, secure place like Dillingham, to the third largest city in Alaska and a new job. I went from knowing a lot of people to knowing enough to be happy to knowing no one.

So, if I sound flaky at times, I probably am. I'm adjusting. I don't mean to sound flighty, but after decades of making decisions based on what was best for the kids and/or husband, I'm learning how to make decisions based on what's best for me. It's a brand new world to me.

Especially now when my schedule here will change again, and I'll be taken out of the known world that I've been in for the last two months and put into yet another world. Plus, we're going through the paperwork for the divorce. We're getting the settlement figured out. Even when a divorce is mutual and we both want to be able to go on with our lives, ending a marriage takes an emotional toll.

I now have one of the dogs with me. We're going through an adjustment, too. She's used to a lot more space. I'm not used to rushing out the door for a morning walk quite so early. Or making sure the house is THAT clean. But she's worth it.

Enjoy the rest of the summer.

The finer things in life

2006-07-05T20:49:00.000-08:00

If you click on the image to enlarge it, you can see the tail of the whale as it's sounding. This picture was taken June 25th on our way back from Bartlett Cove.

Whale watching is one of the finer things in life. So is a carton of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie.

Today was a bad day for me. On many levels. I wish I wouldn't have days like today, but they're part of life.

The last year has been filled with one change after another. Yesterday my husband and I started the process of figuring out our divorce settlement. It's funny, in a weird way, we both want the divorce because things haven't been good between us for a long time. We went through the not being able to talk stage without fighting a few months ago. After I came to Juneau we were actually able to talk, as friends. This weekend, something came up that came close to destroying the fragile friendship that we've built between us. It has to do with the settlement, obligations, assets, etc. After a day of hard feelings on both sides, he called me and finally said, "We need to get a divorce, don't we?" Or at least something to that affect.

We talked for a while about our marriage. We're both able to admit, our marriage has been dead for several years. Neither of us likes the idea of losing a marriage, but it was lost long before we vocalized it. What I don't want to lose is this new friendship with him. So, we're working on the dividing things up.

There are many things about life and where I'm at in my life that I question. There are things that I wish I could understand. There are times when all I want is something familiar to lean on.

So, my thoughts turn to Dillingham. I honestly don't know if leaving there was the right thing to do. But at the time, I really didn't have a choice.

I want to have something in my life where I feel like I have a handle on one thing. In Dillingham, I felt like I knew what I was doing at my job.

Here? I'm not so sure.

There are good things about Juneau and the job. I know most of my uncertainity pertains to all the changes I've had in my life in the last year. I know this on every level within me. But it doesn't make it any easier. There are days I want to scream. I want someone to tell me with clarity and conviction that I made the right choice.

The sad part, the only thing I know for sure, getting a divorce is the right thing. It's all the other things that I question.

I wish I could put everything that I'm conflicted about into this blog. But I can't. Mostly I wish I trusted myself. And that will be my goal. I must learn to trust myself again.

But in the meantime, I'll continue to visit downtown Juneau. Or go whale watching. Or any of the other things that Juneau has to offer. I'll learn how to fit into my job here. I'll learn how to adjust to this new town. And one day, I'll look back at Dillingham, smile and know deep in my gut I made the right choice.

Happy 4th!

2006-07-04T20:07:00.000-08:00

Click on image to enlarge it.

This was taken June 24th, outside the library parking lot. I decided to spend the day acting like a tourist. In the end, I couldn't become as pushy and grumpy as they were, so I just enjoyed the tacky shops, the untacky shops and visiting with the owners. I didn't waste too much time with the imported owners, but the real Alaskans were a blast. They were also impressed that I'd spent time in Dillingham.

Juneau's fireworks were last night, on the third and they continued until after midnight, making them the first city in the United States to have fireworks. I don't know how late they lasted because a few minutes after midnight I went to bed. When I woke around 3 a.m. they night sky was clear and silent.

Yes, I was able to watch a good portion of the display from my apartment. Not a bad deal. Fireworks in my pajamas. Hey, isn't that how people view writers?

I wanted to go view the glacier today, but lost track of time. The first week I was here the closet door fell off. I put it by the wall and have tried to ignore it. Today I decided to fix the door. So, with determination, I got it out, looked to see how it was supposed to go into the slots and attempted to replace it. Ten smashed toes later, I went looking for the biggest screw driver I had. Other than a few bruises and a few new ways to rearrange profanity, the door is still not on the closet. It's not leaning against the wall either. No, I didn't toss it out the window either. I cleared a space in the closet and now my closet is storing the damned door that is supposed to hide the contents.

With the exception of the closet door, the bedroom is pretty much finished. My next project was the living room. It's still not done, but it's much closer to how I really want it. I rearranged furniture and tested it for comfort and ease. I think it finally works. Yay!

The poor kitchen was neglected once again.

I spent the fourth cleaning and unpacking. Hope yours was productive and/or fun.

Trips and things

2006-07-03T22:44:00.000-08:00

I have a lot of pictures to upload. I've been whale watching. Too bad none of them wanted to breach, but I think I have one from when a whale was sounding. That's better than nothing.

It takes time to sort through the pictures, plus work gets in the way, not to mention a few personal events. The ending of a marriage isn't an easy thing to do, but it's where we're headed. While we can be civil and actually friendly on many issues, out of blue something will come up and it will cause hard feelings for one or both of us. I hate this part of it.

I know he doesn't mean to upset me or piss me off, and I don't mean to do the same to him. But it happens and I don't know how to change it. In time we'll both get over the latest.

Some good things are happening, too. I'm going to get one of the dogs. I'm sure it sounds like a minor thing to some, but I miss her so much. She's a cuddler. And she's mine. She misses me as much as I miss her. So, in a few days she'll be over here with me...in my supposedly pet free apartment. Let them evict me. My dog is worth it.

The point is, a lot is going on in my life. So there are times I get very quiet. I'll try to get a few more pictures up in the next few days.

The other side of Alaska

2006-06-13T17:30:00.000-08:00

Friends, there are many beautiful things about and in Alaska.

There are also many ugly things and events.

Here is one that defies logic or words. I'd barely unpacked my suitcases in Dillingham when I heard the news of Pamela's death. During the nine plus months, I've missed her many times. She was not only my webmistress, but she was a dear friend. I'm known for mouthing off when mad. Pamela was the exact opposite. She was cool and calm during times that I fumed and cursed.

Losing her to an accident was bad enough. Now that the truth is finally out, I don't know what to say. She was murdered...by her son. As outraged as I am...as upset as I feel...there's one thing I can't ever forget...Pamela was his mother and knowing Pamela, I'm sure she died being his mother...trying to help her son. What a waste. The one person who loved him unconditionally, and would move heaven and earth to help him, is the one who ended her life.

Someone asked me earlier if I thought she was scared of him. I said, "No. I never detected her ever being scaref of him, only scared for him."

Keep your loved ones close to you.

Assorted pictures from Mendenhall on 5/27/2006

2006-06-11T15:28:00.000-08:00