September 1st

It used to be that September marked the end of summer. Then after 2001, when September rolled around it was with a dread. What would happen this year?

Last September first I was busy getting ready to fly over to Dillingham. There was a little excitement, but mostly, I was terrified. What in the hell was I doing? I'd been out of the medical field since March 1998. What right did I have to think I could go back to my old career? Who in the hell did I think I was?

I'm as guilty as the next person. I want to have a crystal ball so I can see if I'm making a good decision or not. I'll admit it, I've been known to see what the cards have to say. Or even my astrological chart. Or any other number of things that supposedly guide us through life.

Had I seen last September 1st what the next year would have been like, I wonder if I would have gotten on the plane a few days later.

There's been so many ups and downs this past year. But now that it's behind me, I've learned so much. I hope I'm a better person. I think I am. I know there are things that I've found that I hope I'll never take for granted again. One of the most important things I found in Dillingham was me.

Not Jody, the mother. Or Jody, the wife. But Jody, the human. I'd lost her after decades of motherhood and marriage. Part of it was my own fault. I let others make me feel guilty if I wanted something for myself. So, playing the martyr was easier than bucking those that I loved.

In the last year, I've learned how to finally severe the umbilical cord between me and my kids. God knows all of us needed it. I've stopped feeling like I have to bail them out of every little problem they get into. Now I guide them when they ask for it. It's made my life so much easier. But...honestly, when my youngest got into trouble a few months ago, I tried to bail her out. She said, "No, Mom. I'll get myself out of this one." It stunned me. It hurt my feelings. It made me feel pretty useless. And it made me proud. My youngest taught me how to back off. I don't think I ever thanked her for that. Well, I am now.

I knew a year ago that my marriage had serious problems. I swallowed the huge disappointments and went on. The thought of divorce never crossed my mind. I was responsible for making sure it worked. After years of making sure doctor's appointments were kept, medicine was taken on time, bills were paid, groceries bought, and on and on and on, it was my responsibility to make sure I found a way to make us both happy. That was my job. A year ago, I honestly thought it was the only purpose I had in life.

Now? A year later? I'm responsible for my own happiness. I'm not responsible for the happiness and security of others. Just as they're not responsible for mine.

There are times when I do get lonely. But I've learned I'd rather be lonely by myself than lonely while living with another person. I'll take periods of loneliness over being miserable any day of the week.

I know there are observers who think I'm getting a divorce because of the man that used to let me wash his dirty dishes health problems. Normally, I let them think that. I let them think that I couldn't live with the part of the vows that referred to in sickness. I think it's easier on them to think that, since they are healthy. They don't have to worry about their wife running off.

Yes, it's easier to blame me. In reality, there is a lot that can be blamed on me, but we both got lazy. Neither one of us would face the real problems until it was too late. Health or lack of health had nothing to do with it. Not one damned thing. But if it makes anyone feel better to think that I'm that shallow, go for it. Because I did the best I could under those conditions. And so did the man that used to allow me to wash his dirty dishes. We did the best that we could and it wasn't good enough.

In the last year, I've made peace with myself and my failed marriage. I think the man that used to allow me to wash his dirty dishes has too. We still talk. I know there are times I piss him off. There are times he pisses me off. There are other times we still make each other laugh. But what we agree on, a year later, is we never want to live in the same house again. We don't want to be married to each other.

Knowing what I know now, would I have gotten on the plane last year if I'd had the crystal ball? I really don't know. There's been so many times when I've been terrified of my future. There's been so many times when loneliness had such a grip on me that it sent me into a panic. There's been times when I've sobbed like a baby because I've felt so lost.

Am I glad that I did board the plane? Yes. Every day I'm grateful that I didn't know what the future would bring and that I boarded the plane and started a new life for myself. Because in the last year, I've done something that I hadn't done for years. I've felt. My emotions are alive and healthy. Okay, sometimes too alive and maybe not always all that healthy. But after shutting them down for so long, it's great to feel. Even the sorrow.

A year ago I didn't know a lot of the people who have made the last year not only bearable, but at times fun. So, for those of you who have held my hand, offered me a shoulder, put up with me, endured me, laughed with me, cried with me, thank you so much.

Not long ago, one of my co-workers here in Juneau said, "Jody, you so fucking rock." Well, if I do, it's because I've got such a great support group of people who so fucking rock right along with me.

So for the first time since September 11, 2001, I can face September without dread. In fact, I sit here, typing in this blog and wonder where I'll be a year from now. What will the next year bring into my life that will amaze and please me. Yes, I know it will include some dumping. But that's life. Besides, I have the coolest friends that will be there to help with the bad and celebrate the good.