What's Juneau like?

I'm not sure if I understand Juneau, or if Juneau is teaching me things about myself.

Once upon a time, I lived in Ketchikan. When people talk about southeast Alaska, the main negative comment is all the rain. After living in Ketchikan, I was positive the weather in southeast Alaska wouldn't bother me. After all, I loved Ketchikan and it rains at least twice as much there as it does in Juneau.

One of the doctors in Dillingham used to live in this area. He made comments about how he didn't realize it until after he left the area, but he'd been depressed while here. Then when he got to a place where the sun shines, he went a little manic. I remember thinking, oh so smuggly, that I wouldn't have that problem. I've survived Ketchikan, Juneau would be a piece of cake.

Well, I'm not so smug now. I'm still not sure if it's the rain, clouds, or fog. I think in my case, it does have more to do with the geography than the weather.

I'm used to the Alaska where the weather can be crappy, but on clear days, it's gorgeous and the views open up to where I could see forever. I grew up in the wide open spaces of Kansas. When I spent over a decade in Nevada, it wasn't down in the valley, it was outside of Reno, on a hill, where I could look out and see forever on a clear, smog free day.

In Homer, there are many areas where I could stand and see Augustine, which is over 60 miles from Homer.

In Juneau? I look forward, and a mountain blocks my view. I turn to look another direction and another mountain blocks my view. I turn around and feel as if yet another mountain is shoved up my arse.

Every direction I look in this area, I'm forced to look inward at something. It's impossible to look outward. Which forces me to look inward at myself. Since I've spent the last year, and even a few before the last year looking inward, I want to look outward.

I know I'm not healed yet, but I know if I can't get that outward view, I'll end up going in a direction that I don't want.

A buddy of mine used to live here, when he was much younger. Before I came over here, he told me how great Auke Bay was. I agree. Auke Bay is a great area. It's the closest I can get to what feeds me internally. But there's one small problem with Auke Bay. Unless I've missed something, if one doesn't live there, one doesn't have access to the beaches now. It doesn't take too many times of being limited to just a drive by before even Auke Bay loses its appeal. I can see it, but I can't experience it.

I'm feeling very confined here. Geographically, and emotionally. It's as if gloom and doom has taken over the area and no matter how hard I try to get away from it, it refuses to let go. I'm sure some of it is because of the weather, but mostly, it's the being shut in by the mountains that surround the whole area. These mountains aren't off in the distance...they're right here, in your face.

And the people...I hate to make blanket statements, but I've met a lot of people here and I've only found one who actually loves living here. The rest are here until they can leave. Even the ones who have spent decades here...they're waiting for the day when they can escape. Most of them want to go Outside.

I miss Alaska. I miss living among Alaskans.

The spirit of Alaska does not reside in Juneau. From what I can see, very few real Alaskans call Juneau home.

As a whole, the people here aren't nice. I've seen more bigotry here than I've ever seen since moving to Alaska. So many here hold a real contempt for the Alaskan Bush. They hold a real contempt for the Native population.

Independance is barely a word here, it's most assuredly not a lifestyle option.

Moving to Juneau was a mistake. One that I hope I can fix sooner rather than later. The job is fine. I'm actually enjoying aspects of it. But the community, or lack of community isn't okay for me. I'm used to community. I'm used to having real neighbors. I'm used to living among independant people.

If I have to stay longer than I want to stay, I can endure living here. But at this stage of my life, I don't want to have to endure. I've worked too hard to settle for enduring.

Juneau is a nice place to visit. Don't get me wrong. There's some gorgeous scenary here and short term, the people are interesting. But long term? No. This isn't home. It doesn't offer any of the things I want in a home.

I'd willingly give up the glaciers, trees and mountains for the mud flats of TurnAGain Arm. Because I know what's past the mud flats, in all directions.

I know what I want. This time, I've searched within myself to find what fits me best. I haven't gone to others to see what they would do. Had I searched within myself this completely a few months ago, I wouldn't have left Dillingham. I can't undo that mistake, but I can undo this one.

Wish me luck.