Going home

It's official. I'm going home.

As the old song goes, I'll be home for Christmas. Whew!

Actually, I'll be home before Christmas.

I have my last work day, plus my departure day from Juneau. I still don't have a new job lined up, but with all the options available, I'm not worried. Too much.

The countdown has started.

I will miss this job. The job was a great job. Juneau isn't so great. Like most things in Alaska, people love specific areas or they hate them. I'm not sure if I hate Juneau. I know that the thought of staying here for even a year makes me go crazy.

As I told my boss yesterday, I didn't feel this isolated in Dillingham. Juneau is very claustraphobic to me. The mountains are too in my face and the day after day after day of low clouds doesn't help. But even on clear days, it's too closed in.

I'm used to places that have a real sense of community. I haven't found community in Juneau.

I'm glad I came to Juneau. I do feel bad about not staying. I know the hospital put a lot of money into training me and I hate it that they didn't get their investment back.

I've learned a lot here. Especially about me. There are three spots in the state where I'd accept a full time permanent position without trying a temporary position first. All three of those spots are on the road system. And very close to home. They are in places where I could go home every weekend if I wanted to.

There are very few places where I don't feel physically safe. But home is where I'm not only physically safe, but emotionally safe, too. It's the place where I can step outside, inhale the clean air, absorb the view and know life is good. Life is very good.

Sunday evening Roger and I went to Land's End to eat. I stared out the windows like I'd done so many times in the past. During the summer we'd go there and listen to the tourists. Even back then I knew how lucky I was. People save a lifetime to get the honor of spending a week out of their life in Homer. Those views they'd have to leave behind were constants in my life. The people they found so welcoming and friendly were my neighbors.

Sunday evening I said to Roger, "I remember when I used to feel so very lucky to live here. I'm going to live here again. Soon."

A friend told me that he's found my year long journey amazing to watch. He's watched me search for something and in the end I found it...exactly where I'd left it.

Even Roger told me that he understood why I had to leave. That leaving had saved my life, and his. If I hadn't left, I would still be the shell of the person I was when I boarded the plane for Dillingham. And he would have remained the uber angry man that he'd been.

It's time to go home. It's time to put the pieces of my life back together. It's time to not give up on the life I left over a year ago. It's time to see who this man is that I married eleven years ago. It's time to see how much of the man I married is still there now that the anger has gone away.

Eleven years ago we had something special. I felt safe telling him things. I felt safe letting my guard down.

I saw hints of that man this last week.

I'm tired of having to be so strong every second of every day.

He wants to provide me with the safety he used to provide for me.

I'm on new ground. Once a relationship has gotten to the point that we'd gotten, I'd never tried to revive it. I've always given it up for dead.

But we're both going into it different than when we left. He's changed and so have I.

We had our first fight on Monday. We started to go back into our old patterns. But in the end we didn't. We talked it out. That's a big improvement.

Once I had a very good life. I'm reclaiming that life. That life included my kids, grandkids, home, dogs and yes, even my husband. At one time I had more than most people ever dreamed of having. Then we both took it for granted and let it die.

I still have an issue with trust, but in time I'll trust completely again. But in a different way. Not blindly this time. After all, we're both only human, so there will be times when each of us wants to be a little selfish. This time we both know that.

I'm going home and that makes me very happy, even knowing there will be some rough times in the future.