Navel gazing

There's something that's bugging the hell out of me.

I'd love to talk about it, but...well...it's too close to navel gazing for my comfort level. Navel gazing? Yeah, that state where one has their head up their ass so far that they're looking out at the world through their navel.

I'd like to blame it on that trip to Tibet and conversing with the monks. But this is one thing I can't blame on the monks. Or Tibet.

It's not even options at this stage. It's the potential for options. I warned you...serious navel gazing.

A friend in Fairbanks believes everything in life happens for a reason. And that we're in specific locations for a reason. We might not know the reason, but according to the "Big Plan" of our life, we're where we're supposed to be.

I've said this to her many times. Bull shit. That pretty much gives us a pass when we screw up. Oh, I'm here at this place, physically and emotionally, in my life because it's part of my life's "Big Plan." Wow. Isn't that easy. I'm no longer responsible for the decisions I make. Or any of my mistakes. It's all part of the "Big Plan."

I can't buy into that line of thought. It's pretty close to the fundamental zealots that think everything good that happens is due to God, or whatever higher being they worship. And everything bad is due to not avoiding temptation from the devil or whatever evil being they fear. Yeah, it makes life simpler for them. No responsibility for anything. God gave me this. Or
I wasn't strong enough to resist temptation.

Whatever happened to a good old fashioned...oops, I fucked up? statement. Not only "oops, I fucked up, but now I have to figure out how to make things right again."

Oh, that's right. That requires responsibility and "Big Plan" or religion is easier.

Let's say my friend is right and everything is part of your life's "Big Plan" there isn't any pretense of us having any control over our lives. Am I the only one who wants to pretend that I at least have some control over my own life?

Yet, in some areas of my life I've realized I don't have control. And that lack of control has caused me to do some really stupid shit. Since I don't think the stupid shit is part of a "Big Plan" I have to decide what part of the screw ups that I'm soley responsible for that I need to fix, and which part of the screw ups I just need to walk away from.

Right now, I'm looking at a potential option and I just don't know if I should grab hold of it or walk away from it. It's a professional option, but it has so many personal emotions tangled up in it. I can't separate the two. If only I could, then I'd know if I should pursue this potential option. But since I can't untangle the personal from the professional, I don't feel comfortable entertaining the thought. But obviously, I have given it considerable thought, or I wouldn't be making this blog entry.

So there it is...navel gazing 101. Wasn't it fun? Aren't you glad you aren't in my head?

But life goes on. With our mistakes fully intact. Hey, some of the mistakes were at least fun. It's the ones that turned out to be mistakes that also weren't fun that are real pain in the butt. Yes? Yes.