The finer things in life

If you click on the image to enlarge it, you can see the tail of the whale as it's sounding. This picture was taken June 25th on our way back from Bartlett Cove.

Whale watching is one of the finer things in life. So is a carton of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie.

Today was a bad day for me. On many levels. I wish I wouldn't have days like today, but they're part of life.

The last year has been filled with one change after another. Yesterday my husband and I started the process of figuring out our divorce settlement. It's funny, in a weird way, we both want the divorce because things haven't been good between us for a long time. We went through the not being able to talk stage without fighting a few months ago. After I came to Juneau we were actually able to talk, as friends. This weekend, something came up that came close to destroying the fragile friendship that we've built between us. It has to do with the settlement, obligations, assets, etc. After a day of hard feelings on both sides, he called me and finally said, "We need to get a divorce, don't we?" Or at least something to that affect.

We talked for a while about our marriage. We're both able to admit, our marriage has been dead for several years. Neither of us likes the idea of losing a marriage, but it was lost long before we vocalized it. What I don't want to lose is this new friendship with him. So, we're working on the dividing things up.

There are many things about life and where I'm at in my life that I question. There are things that I wish I could understand. There are times when all I want is something familiar to lean on.

So, my thoughts turn to Dillingham. I honestly don't know if leaving there was the right thing to do. But at the time, I really didn't have a choice.

I want to have something in my life where I feel like I have a handle on one thing. In Dillingham, I felt like I knew what I was doing at my job.

Here? I'm not so sure.

There are good things about Juneau and the job. I know most of my uncertainity pertains to all the changes I've had in my life in the last year. I know this on every level within me. But it doesn't make it any easier. There are days I want to scream. I want someone to tell me with clarity and conviction that I made the right choice.

The sad part, the only thing I know for sure, getting a divorce is the right thing. It's all the other things that I question.

I wish I could put everything that I'm conflicted about into this blog. But I can't. Mostly I wish I trusted myself. And that will be my goal. I must learn to trust myself again.

But in the meantime, I'll continue to visit downtown Juneau. Or go whale watching. Or any of the other things that Juneau has to offer. I'll learn how to fit into my job here. I'll learn how to adjust to this new town. And one day, I'll look back at Dillingham, smile and know deep in my gut I made the right choice.