What's Juneau like?

I'm not sure if I understand Juneau, or if Juneau is teaching me things about myself.

Once upon a time, I lived in Ketchikan. When people talk about southeast Alaska, the main negative comment is all the rain. After living in Ketchikan, I was positive the weather in southeast Alaska wouldn't bother me. After all, I loved Ketchikan and it rains at least twice as much there as it does in Juneau.

One of the doctors in Dillingham used to live in this area. He made comments about how he didn't realize it until after he left the area, but he'd been depressed while here. Then when he got to a place where the sun shines, he went a little manic. I remember thinking, oh so smuggly, that I wouldn't have that problem. I've survived Ketchikan, Juneau would be a piece of cake.

Well, I'm not so smug now. I'm still not sure if it's the rain, clouds, or fog. I think in my case, it does have more to do with the geography than the weather.

I'm used to the Alaska where the weather can be crappy, but on clear days, it's gorgeous and the views open up to where I could see forever. I grew up in the wide open spaces of Kansas. When I spent over a decade in Nevada, it wasn't down in the valley, it was outside of Reno, on a hill, where I could look out and see forever on a clear, smog free day.

In Homer, there are many areas where I could stand and see Augustine, which is over 60 miles from Homer.

In Juneau? I look forward, and a mountain blocks my view. I turn to look another direction and another mountain blocks my view. I turn around and feel as if yet another mountain is shoved up my arse.

Every direction I look in this area, I'm forced to look inward at something. It's impossible to look outward. Which forces me to look inward at myself. Since I've spent the last year, and even a few before the last year looking inward, I want to look outward.

I know I'm not healed yet, but I know if I can't get that outward view, I'll end up going in a direction that I don't want.

A buddy of mine used to live here, when he was much younger. Before I came over here, he told me how great Auke Bay was. I agree. Auke Bay is a great area. It's the closest I can get to what feeds me internally. But there's one small problem with Auke Bay. Unless I've missed something, if one doesn't live there, one doesn't have access to the beaches now. It doesn't take too many times of being limited to just a drive by before even Auke Bay loses its appeal. I can see it, but I can't experience it.

I'm feeling very confined here. Geographically, and emotionally. It's as if gloom and doom has taken over the area and no matter how hard I try to get away from it, it refuses to let go. I'm sure some of it is because of the weather, but mostly, it's the being shut in by the mountains that surround the whole area. These mountains aren't off in the distance...they're right here, in your face.

And the people...I hate to make blanket statements, but I've met a lot of people here and I've only found one who actually loves living here. The rest are here until they can leave. Even the ones who have spent decades here...they're waiting for the day when they can escape. Most of them want to go Outside.

I miss Alaska. I miss living among Alaskans.

The spirit of Alaska does not reside in Juneau. From what I can see, very few real Alaskans call Juneau home.

As a whole, the people here aren't nice. I've seen more bigotry here than I've ever seen since moving to Alaska. So many here hold a real contempt for the Alaskan Bush. They hold a real contempt for the Native population.

Independance is barely a word here, it's most assuredly not a lifestyle option.

Moving to Juneau was a mistake. One that I hope I can fix sooner rather than later. The job is fine. I'm actually enjoying aspects of it. But the community, or lack of community isn't okay for me. I'm used to community. I'm used to having real neighbors. I'm used to living among independant people.

If I have to stay longer than I want to stay, I can endure living here. But at this stage of my life, I don't want to have to endure. I've worked too hard to settle for enduring.

Juneau is a nice place to visit. Don't get me wrong. There's some gorgeous scenary here and short term, the people are interesting. But long term? No. This isn't home. It doesn't offer any of the things I want in a home.

I'd willingly give up the glaciers, trees and mountains for the mud flats of TurnAGain Arm. Because I know what's past the mud flats, in all directions.

I know what I want. This time, I've searched within myself to find what fits me best. I haven't gone to others to see what they would do. Had I searched within myself this completely a few months ago, I wouldn't have left Dillingham. I can't undo that mistake, but I can undo this one.

Wish me luck.

Fireweed and ice

Yesterday, before taking pictures of bear mischief, I went out to Mendenhall Glacier again. Click on the images to increase their size. That way you can actually read the sign.

It was a nice cool evening, especially with the wind coming off the glacier.

As I strolled along the path, I was on my cell phone talking to friends in Homer. It was nice to have someone along for the view. These pictures are for everyone to enjoy, but mostly they're for Dave and Missy. These are the images I saw. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.


It looks like a chunk of ice here. But when it's with the rest of the glacier, it's not plain nor ordinary at all.

Isn't it neat how the retreating glacier left the rock wall so the forest service had something to display the ice on? Okay, if you're buying the glacier forming the rock wall, contact me. I have some prime land that I know you'd be interested in purchasing.




This is the glacier, with the waterfall that Dave said sounded like static when we were talking yesterday.

I'm not sure if I keep returning to Mendenhall to see the glacier or to view the waterfall. It's a toss up, really. One of these days, when the bears aren't so thick, I want to get closer to the waterfall. I'm not sure if I can get close enough to feel the spray on my face, but one of these days when I don't have to fight the bears to get there, I'll find out.


And here she is...Mendenhall Glacier, with several freshly calfed or is it calved icebergs in Mendenhall Lake.

This last week, I questioned if I'd made the right choice by coming to Juneau. I'm still not sure, but I do know it helps when I get out of my dark, dreary, gloomy apartment and explore the area.

I have to find a new place to live. After ten days of spending way too much time in my apartment, I've seen how it affects me. And it's not a pretty picture.

My goal is to get a place in the valley, so I can get to the glacier and Auke Bay easily.

Because this place is very pretty.

I can't count the times I've walked by this area without paying attention to the small pond. Last night it caught my eye. I hope the camera does the image justice.

And then I went to the grocery store to buy some fruit to eat while at work. These last two pictures are for Dave and Missy, too.

When I pulled into the parking lot at the store, I noticed the fireweed. I thought of you guys. I think it's safe to say, the fireweed is doing just fine here. Winter appears to be right on schedule.


From the cloudy, rainy southeast of Alaska.

Holy Bear Scat

Around 0230, this morning, when it was very dark outside, I stepped out to enjoy a smoke.

This is what I discovered. But remember, it was VERY DARK when I first saw this.

I inhaled very quickly. So much for a relaxing smoke.

Once inside, I mentioned to the nurses in ER there was trash scattered about. "Oh, yeah," one said, "there was a bear out there about thirty minutes ago."

Ya think?



I took these pictures a little after 0600 when I finished my shift. It was much lighter at that time.

Just a reminder. This is the hospital in the third largest city in Alaska.

But wait. The bear was curious.

He decided to explore another trash can. The first one is by the main entrance. The second on is outside the gift shop.



The bear has answered two questions. Is smoking hazardous to your health? Well, in Alaska, in the middle of the night, if one smokes outside, yes.

The other age old question: Does a bear shit in the woods?

Not always. Sometimes they'll leave a pile of scat on the sidewalk by physical therapy.

These are pictures most cruise ship tourists never get to take.

Happy bear scat hunting to all of you.

Seven eleven

That's the date. Where is this month going to?

On my way to work today I noticed the fireweed. It's half way up the stalk. Oops. Oh. My. God. Where has half the summer gone? Okay, so for those of you who don't live in Alaska, yes, I know, your summer just started. This. Is. Alaska. Ours is basically over when it starts. Shorter days. Longer nights...and on it goes until we wake up and the hair in our nose freezes with that first breath of fresh air when we walk outside. Or our feet slip out from underneath us because we just knew it wasn't time to strap on the YakTraks yet.


But winter is around the corner. Right now we can still have a fruit salad that has all those different flavors. Veggies are nice and crisp. A lot of times my meals consist of items from the produce aisle. Tonight I had grape tomatoes and garlic bread. How fast can I go through a two pound package of grape tomatoes? Uh...from the looks of it, about 24 hours.

It's times like now when the desire to go back to Dillingham dulls. I don't want to go without fresh produce again.

I don't have a television, so I listen to the radio. I can listen to the radio here. I couldn't in Dillingham. The selection there stunk, IMO. Sorry all you NPR supporters, but 24/7 of NPR makes me want to puke.

I love my cell phone. Love, love, love it. I had to give it up in Dillingham.

But...even with all those things I can't have in Dillingham, there are times I do miss being there. What do I miss? The people.

Still, I do like it here. I go through periods when I want something familiar and safe, but those moments pass and I'm fine again.

There are times I get frustrated with myself. Why do I really like it here one minute and want to run away the next? All I have to do is remember the past year. It's been one major change after another.

I went from Homer, a place that had been my home for years, to Dillingham. I went from being a wife and care giver to being an employee. I went from thinking my life was pretty stable to going through a divorce. I went from a safe, secure place like Dillingham, to the third largest city in Alaska and a new job. I went from knowing a lot of people to knowing enough to be happy to knowing no one.

So, if I sound flaky at times, I probably am. I'm adjusting. I don't mean to sound flighty, but after decades of making decisions based on what was best for the kids and/or husband, I'm learning how to make decisions based on what's best for me. It's a brand new world to me.

Especially now when my schedule here will change again, and I'll be taken out of the known world that I've been in for the last two months and put into yet another world. Plus, we're going through the paperwork for the divorce. We're getting the settlement figured out. Even when a divorce is mutual and we both want to be able to go on with our lives, ending a marriage takes an emotional toll.

I now have one of the dogs with me. We're going through an adjustment, too. She's used to a lot more space. I'm not used to rushing out the door for a morning walk quite so early. Or making sure the house is THAT clean. But she's worth it.

Enjoy the rest of the summer.

The finer things in life

If you click on the image to enlarge it, you can see the tail of the whale as it's sounding. This picture was taken June 25th on our way back from Bartlett Cove.

Whale watching is one of the finer things in life. So is a carton of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie.

Today was a bad day for me. On many levels. I wish I wouldn't have days like today, but they're part of life.

The last year has been filled with one change after another. Yesterday my husband and I started the process of figuring out our divorce settlement. It's funny, in a weird way, we both want the divorce because things haven't been good between us for a long time. We went through the not being able to talk stage without fighting a few months ago. After I came to Juneau we were actually able to talk, as friends. This weekend, something came up that came close to destroying the fragile friendship that we've built between us. It has to do with the settlement, obligations, assets, etc. After a day of hard feelings on both sides, he called me and finally said, "We need to get a divorce, don't we?" Or at least something to that affect.

We talked for a while about our marriage. We're both able to admit, our marriage has been dead for several years. Neither of us likes the idea of losing a marriage, but it was lost long before we vocalized it. What I don't want to lose is this new friendship with him. So, we're working on the dividing things up.

There are many things about life and where I'm at in my life that I question. There are things that I wish I could understand. There are times when all I want is something familiar to lean on.

So, my thoughts turn to Dillingham. I honestly don't know if leaving there was the right thing to do. But at the time, I really didn't have a choice.

I want to have something in my life where I feel like I have a handle on one thing. In Dillingham, I felt like I knew what I was doing at my job.

Here? I'm not so sure.

There are good things about Juneau and the job. I know most of my uncertainity pertains to all the changes I've had in my life in the last year. I know this on every level within me. But it doesn't make it any easier. There are days I want to scream. I want someone to tell me with clarity and conviction that I made the right choice.

The sad part, the only thing I know for sure, getting a divorce is the right thing. It's all the other things that I question.

I wish I could put everything that I'm conflicted about into this blog. But I can't. Mostly I wish I trusted myself. And that will be my goal. I must learn to trust myself again.

But in the meantime, I'll continue to visit downtown Juneau. Or go whale watching. Or any of the other things that Juneau has to offer. I'll learn how to fit into my job here. I'll learn how to adjust to this new town. And one day, I'll look back at Dillingham, smile and know deep in my gut I made the right choice.

Happy 4th!

Click on image to enlarge it.

This was taken June 24th, outside the library parking lot. I decided to spend the day acting like a tourist. In the end, I couldn't become as pushy and grumpy as they were, so I just enjoyed the tacky shops, the untacky shops and visiting with the owners. I didn't waste too much time with the imported owners, but the real Alaskans were a blast. They were also impressed that I'd spent time in Dillingham.

Juneau's fireworks were last night, on the third and they continued until after midnight, making them the first city in the United States to have fireworks. I don't know how late they lasted because a few minutes after midnight I went to bed. When I woke around 3 a.m. they night sky was clear and silent.

Yes, I was able to watch a good portion of the display from my apartment. Not a bad deal. Fireworks in my pajamas. Hey, isn't that how people view writers?

I wanted to go view the glacier today, but lost track of time. The first week I was here the closet door fell off. I put it by the wall and have tried to ignore it. Today I decided to fix the door. So, with determination, I got it out, looked to see how it was supposed to go into the slots and attempted to replace it. Ten smashed toes later, I went looking for the biggest screw driver I had. Other than a few bruises and a few new ways to rearrange profanity, the door is still not on the closet. It's not leaning against the wall either. No, I didn't toss it out the window either. I cleared a space in the closet and now my closet is storing the damned door that is supposed to hide the contents.

With the exception of the closet door, the bedroom is pretty much finished. My next project was the living room. It's still not done, but it's much closer to how I really want it. I rearranged furniture and tested it for comfort and ease. I think it finally works. Yay!

The poor kitchen was neglected once again.

I spent the fourth cleaning and unpacking. Hope yours was productive and/or fun.

Trips and things

I have a lot of pictures to upload. I've been whale watching. Too bad none of them wanted to breach, but I think I have one from when a whale was sounding. That's better than nothing.

It takes time to sort through the pictures, plus work gets in the way, not to mention a few personal events. The ending of a marriage isn't an easy thing to do, but it's where we're headed. While we can be civil and actually friendly on many issues, out of blue something will come up and it will cause hard feelings for one or both of us. I hate this part of it.

I know he doesn't mean to upset me or piss me off, and I don't mean to do the same to him. But it happens and I don't know how to change it. In time we'll both get over the latest.

Some good things are happening, too. I'm going to get one of the dogs. I'm sure it sounds like a minor thing to some, but I miss her so much. She's a cuddler. And she's mine. She misses me as much as I miss her. So, in a few days she'll be over here with me...in my supposedly pet free apartment. Let them evict me. My dog is worth it.

The point is, a lot is going on in my life. So there are times I get very quiet. I'll try to get a few more pictures up in the next few days.