Snow

It snowed in Juneau today.

Then it decided to rain.

Tonight it's supposed to be a mix.

I'd hoped to be out of here before this hit.

It was nice to be awake for a good portion of the day. I have one evening at work this week and then it's back to nights until I get the hell out of here. It makes it a lot easier to leave here if they force me to work nights all the time. I'm not sure if I've gotten this point across, but I hate working nights.

I really like the night shift crew, but I hate sleeping during the day light hours. I want to do things when it's light out.

I ran a few errands today and it was really nice being in the light of day, even with the snow falling and the cloud coverage.

Damn, this is lame. I'm resorting to blogging about the weather. Can life get any lamer?

The Red Hat Club

Today I joined the "Red Hat Club". If you don't know what it means, don't worry about it.

But it's a mile stone.


The club itself isn't bad. But let me tell you, the initiation is a total bitch.

I made it. With almost everything intact. Okay, so my pride and dignity are a little battered, but they're still here with me.

In the next few days I'll compose a list of things that I want to accomplish. I won't post it here, but I'll have it in my mind and a piece of paper to remind me of things I want to do in my life.

It's all part of being part of the Red Hat Club. I finally made it. And it's not as bad as I thought it would be.

Yippee!!!!

Furniture

While I was in Homer, I called to see how much it would cost to move my furniture back. I was given one price. It was doable.

I called the Juneau office today. The price changed by a few hundred dollars. It's no longer doable. I will end up buying it all over again.

I know if I do a quick sale in Juneau, I'll only get pennies on the dollar.

I think my best bet is to donate it. That way I at least get the benefit of a tax write off.

I hate to lose the furniture, but I'm not going to pay as much to get it to Homer as I paid for it.

I'm also not going to let it go for pennies on the dollar. I was offered fifty bucks for an $800.00 mattress and box springs. Nope. I would have let it go pretty cheaply, but not that cheap.

This is kind of deja vuish to me. When we left Ketchikan ten years ago, we basically lost everything. We went to south central Alaska and started over. We did pretty good for several years. No, we did damned good for several years.

We replaced and even added. In the ten years we replaced what we had to leave in Ketchikan, plus we now own, free and clear, our own place.

It would have been really nice to have kept the brand new furniture.

But the reality is...I know I can replace it when I get home.

It's not a big deal. Just a little sad. I would have liked to have kept it as one more good thing from Juneau. Hey, I'll take my almost new car back with me. And the most important thing I'll take back with me is my new peace of mind. That is worth more than any piece of furniture or vehicle.

It does make the packing a lot easier though.

Now all I need is to know my work schedule for my remaining time here. It would be nice to know when my days off are, so I'll know how to budget my time.

Because I really do need to start packing.

For the ladies

I just read something and cringed. A newly divorced woman emailed a man she'd been on a date with and asked him out.

Ladies, do yourself a favor. If you're single, thinking of being single, or wondering if you're with the right guy, run, don't walk, but run to the nearest bookstore and get a copy of He's Just Not That Into You.

If you have to ask him anything other than where he's taking you after he's already asked you out, get rid of the jerk. If he's not asking you out, but making you ask him out, he's either just not that into you, or he's a lazy fuckwit. Either way, he's not for you. Do not lower your expectations to that level.

Asking a guy out is not being forward, it's being desperate and we're above that.

Forget what the feminist say. They don't know shit when it comes to male/female relationships. If we follow their advice we'll be promoting skankism and trust me, there's enough skanks in the world. And the only type of males we'll attract are the dreaded I'm-a-skank-magnent-and-proud-of-it male.

We deserve better than that.

Do. Not. Ask. Any. Male. Out.

Repeat after me, if I have to ask him out than he's just not that into me. Or he's a lazy fuckwit. I'm not going to waste my time on either type.

At the risk of pissing off my male readers, here's the reality. Men are giant potty trained two year olds. Has anyone seen a two year old not actively pursue what they wanted? Yes. They do it all the time. Men are the same way. If they want something, they pursue it with the same excitement as a two year old.

When a two year old wants a lollipop that's the only thing they want. If you offer them a piece of cake, they might take it, but they only play with the cake, smearing it all over the place. Once you dangle the coveted lollipop in front of them they abandon the cake, completely ignoring it.

Men are the same way. If you offer them yourself while they're waiting for their lollipop, they'll play with you, but they won't treat you any better than the two year old smearing the cake all over the table and walls.

Ladies, please, don't lower your expectations. Demand a man who treats you with the respect you deserve.

Being alone isn't fun, but being with a man who doesn't show you any respect is worse. And what's even worse than that is waiting for a man who doesn't treat you with any respect to call you. We are so much better than that.

Am I taking my own advice? I am now.

Which is why I'm going to save my marriage. My husband is actively pursuing me. He wants to protect me. (Hey, it's what real men want to do for the woman in their life.) There's a few years of hurt that we have to work through. I wish it was as easy as it was when we were first starting out. But it's not. I now know how deeply he can hurt me. But so does he.

The one thing I know, he wants me. I don't have to wonder what he's really saying when he speaks. If he's not clear, he repeats it until he knows it's clear in my mind.

There are three things any relationship has to have to be viable. It doesn't matter if it's a marriage, a friendship, or anything in between. If a relationship doesn't have all three of these things, it's not worth keeping on any level. Trust. Respect. Communication. It has to come from both parties.

There's nothing wrong with you or the guy if he's just not that into you. There is something very wrong if as a woman you accept the crumbs from a guy that just isn't that into you.

Don't do it. Ever.

Going home

It's official. I'm going home.

As the old song goes, I'll be home for Christmas. Whew!

Actually, I'll be home before Christmas.

I have my last work day, plus my departure day from Juneau. I still don't have a new job lined up, but with all the options available, I'm not worried. Too much.

The countdown has started.

I will miss this job. The job was a great job. Juneau isn't so great. Like most things in Alaska, people love specific areas or they hate them. I'm not sure if I hate Juneau. I know that the thought of staying here for even a year makes me go crazy.

As I told my boss yesterday, I didn't feel this isolated in Dillingham. Juneau is very claustraphobic to me. The mountains are too in my face and the day after day after day of low clouds doesn't help. But even on clear days, it's too closed in.

I'm used to places that have a real sense of community. I haven't found community in Juneau.

I'm glad I came to Juneau. I do feel bad about not staying. I know the hospital put a lot of money into training me and I hate it that they didn't get their investment back.

I've learned a lot here. Especially about me. There are three spots in the state where I'd accept a full time permanent position without trying a temporary position first. All three of those spots are on the road system. And very close to home. They are in places where I could go home every weekend if I wanted to.

There are very few places where I don't feel physically safe. But home is where I'm not only physically safe, but emotionally safe, too. It's the place where I can step outside, inhale the clean air, absorb the view and know life is good. Life is very good.

Sunday evening Roger and I went to Land's End to eat. I stared out the windows like I'd done so many times in the past. During the summer we'd go there and listen to the tourists. Even back then I knew how lucky I was. People save a lifetime to get the honor of spending a week out of their life in Homer. Those views they'd have to leave behind were constants in my life. The people they found so welcoming and friendly were my neighbors.

Sunday evening I said to Roger, "I remember when I used to feel so very lucky to live here. I'm going to live here again. Soon."

A friend told me that he's found my year long journey amazing to watch. He's watched me search for something and in the end I found it...exactly where I'd left it.

Even Roger told me that he understood why I had to leave. That leaving had saved my life, and his. If I hadn't left, I would still be the shell of the person I was when I boarded the plane for Dillingham. And he would have remained the uber angry man that he'd been.

It's time to go home. It's time to put the pieces of my life back together. It's time to not give up on the life I left over a year ago. It's time to see who this man is that I married eleven years ago. It's time to see how much of the man I married is still there now that the anger has gone away.

Eleven years ago we had something special. I felt safe telling him things. I felt safe letting my guard down.

I saw hints of that man this last week.

I'm tired of having to be so strong every second of every day.

He wants to provide me with the safety he used to provide for me.

I'm on new ground. Once a relationship has gotten to the point that we'd gotten, I'd never tried to revive it. I've always given it up for dead.

But we're both going into it different than when we left. He's changed and so have I.

We had our first fight on Monday. We started to go back into our old patterns. But in the end we didn't. We talked it out. That's a big improvement.

Once I had a very good life. I'm reclaiming that life. That life included my kids, grandkids, home, dogs and yes, even my husband. At one time I had more than most people ever dreamed of having. Then we both took it for granted and let it die.

I still have an issue with trust, but in time I'll trust completely again. But in a different way. Not blindly this time. After all, we're both only human, so there will be times when each of us wants to be a little selfish. This time we both know that.

I'm going home and that makes me very happy, even knowing there will be some rough times in the future.

Stay tuned

Big changes are going to happen.

Stay tuned to this spot for all the news.

Life is good. Life is very good. Exciting. Scary, but more exciting.

I don't know how things will work out, but what I do know, they will work out.

A few thoughts and observations

Yesterday there was cloud coverage. Still it was a beautiful day. I drove into town and through the clouds the sun peeked through and shimmered on the bay. I had to stop and take a picture of it.

I can't count the times I'd seen that same thing over the years. All I know is that right now when I see it, I realize how important these things that I used to take for granted are to me.

I'm not as emotional as I was the first day or so I was back, but things happen or someone will say something and I still tear up.

The other day I went to the bank to change my address back to my Homer address. After I filled out the paperwork, Becky said, "Welcome home again." I teared up. I just smiled and pointed to my eyes. Then she told me about the year they lived in Anchorage and how her son was jumping up and down in the car begging her to drive faster when they were making their return trip to Homer.

I understood exactly what she was saying. She understood exactly why there were tears in my eyes.

That is why Homer is Homer. Most of us here know exactly why we're here. When we leave and come back, there are so many who understand what our time away was really like for us. They get how lonely and horrible it really has been.

There are times when I'll see a familiar view, just like the sun breaking through the clouds and shimmering on the bay and I'll tear up. I can't help it. These are the things that I've missed so much. These are the things that I've searched for first in Dillingham and more recently in Juneau. But they avoided me. At least in Dillingham I was able to see for miles and miles. And Dillingham does have a sense of community.

Neither Dillingham nor Juneau are my community though.

Here I can tell others that even the women in black are a welcomed sight. Again, they get what I'm saying.

I've made a lot of progress in many areas in such a short time. People are amazed at all the things I'm accomplishing. I'm amazed at times, too. But this is important to me. Very important.

In fact, this morning I had one more reminder just how important.

My oldest son is shipping out to Iraq tomorrow. I know I'm going to worry. It's my job to worry. Since I'm going to worry, I want to be home surrounded by family and friends. I need to be home, surrounded by family and friends.

Some of the things that's happened in the last few days are going to piss off friends. I can't help it. It's my life. I have to live it in a way that makes me happy. I know what I need for a happy life.

In a few hours I'm going to run into town and have lunch with my "unhinged" buddy. It will be fun and it will be so good to talk to a friend who I know will listen and be happy for me.

It's great to be home, even if it's only for a few days. I've missed this place where I'm completely safe, physically and emotionally.

Why in the hell did I ever leave? I know why, but those things are no longer true.

Where peace is at

A few years ago my estranged husband, when he wasn't estranged, and I were talking about the continuing conflict in Israel. He said if the people of Fritz Creek and the people of the Russian village on out the road were warring with each other, he'd pack up and move from our chunk of land.

I didn't say anything, but deep down, I was thinking, I wouldn't. This is my home. This is more than a place to stay, it's my home. I wasn't sure what that meant at the time, but it was a feeling that meant something to me.

I've spent a little over a year roaming the state of Alaska in an attempt to find peace.

I've known for a while where it's at.

Yesterday I found it exactly where I knew I would.

It came in small steps. The first step was when I drove toward the airport and realized something. I was able to see Juneau. It had been months since I'd seen Juneau in the light of day.

Once I was on the plane and headed toward Anchorage, something happened within me. I could feel myself relaxing. Not a huge relaxation, but a small one. For the first time in my life I looked at Anchorage and saw the beauty there. I could see. Not only was it day light, but I could see more than a mountain shoved in my face. I could see for miles and miles and miles. I stood outside the airport soaking up the view. The clouds didn't bother me. The drizzle wasn't a problem. I could see. I could finally see what was in the distance.

I could have stayed there and been perfectly content.

But a few hours later I was on another plane. A much smaller plane. As we crossed TurnAgain, the wind whipped us around. It was scary, but in the distance I saw what I've been missing. The Kenai Peninsula. Home. The place that captured my heart almost a decade and hasn't let go.

Once the Kenai Peninsula was beneath us it happened. Silent tears fell. Not tears of sorrow, but of joy. I refused to think about when I'd have to leave again. All I cared about was the beautiful land beneath the plane.

Each air mile was as familiar to me as my heartbeat. It was Contentment with a capital C.

When we flew over Tustamena Lake I looked out my window toward the glacier. It reminded me how small and insignificant Mendanhall Glacier and Lake really are. More tears fell. I saw the area from the fire. I remembered the fire. I smelled the smoke from the fire.

Finally, after over a year of roaming, I was back in a place where I knew the history. A place where it's history and mine are intertwined.

Then she was before. Homer. More tears of pure joy.

A week ago I didn't plan to be here on my vacation. A week ago I had other plans. But this place is where I needed to come.

What it's done for me is more than anything or anyone else ever could. It's reminded me where my heart really is.

It's here in Homer. It's the land that is half mine. It's not one person, it's many people. It's my community of Homer.

This morning I got up and walked into town. I'm not sure how far of a walk it was, but it was a great walk. I took in so much of the scenary that I've missed over the last year.

This afternoon I finally came out to see what I came back to see. My home. My land. The place where I will build my home.

I'm sitting in the house where I used to live right now. The dogs are running around. It's like they sense a difference in me. This time I'm not anxious or waiting to see what's out there that I've missed.

I know what I've missed. I've missed my life.

My estranged husband and I are not going to reconcile. He's happy by himself and I'm happy by myself. And the truth is, there's room for both of us on seven plus acres.

I don't know when I'll be able to come back and stay for good, but I hope it's sooner rather than later. I really hope it is.

I miss my home. But while I'm home, I'm going to enjoy every second of it.

I went to Bishop's Beach today and walked it. I went to the spit and walked along the beach there. I've done more walking today than I have in months. But it's day light and I'm thrilled to be awake during the day and seeing my home.

Sorry to ramble. But seeing the Kenai Mountains, Kachemak Bay and the glaciers feeds my spirit. It's what attracted me to Homer in the first place. Nothing has changed about them. But after calling Homer home for so many years, I have the added benefit of knowing the people of Homer and calling them friends.

It's great to be home.

The winner

My gut is back and talking up a storm.

I'm okay. I really appreciate the concern. I mean, I really, really do appreciate it.

The latest of a long list of things to deal with was the one where I reached the bullshit threshold.

Four hours of sleep and stumbling across some information that was very needed has made a huge amount of difference.

My gut was never silent. What it was telling me didn't make any sense, so I assumed it had bailed on me.

I was worried though. I was very worried.

I'm going on vacation. The first one in years. With the latest straw on the camels back I wasn't sure how I'd manage to do any such thing.

I wasn't sure if I even wanted my vacation. Then it hit me. Yes, I do want this vacation. I've worked hard for it. I've earned it. I'm going to rest, relax and have fun. And I'm going to be completely out of touch with the world. Good-bye bullshit. Hello, a few bullshit free days.

This space will be silent until after I've had those BS free days.

It always trumped everything else

I'm suffering from informational overload. Or another way to put it is that I've reached my maximum capacity for bullshit.

It's pretty normal that when life decides to dump the BS on fast and furious it hits almost every aspect of my life. No area is safe, even the areas that I always thought were uber safe.

I'm tired. Strike that. I'm flat out exhausted.

As each event has been slung at me, I've listened to my heart, then my head and after they finished arguing, I listened to my gut. Listening to my gut trumps all.

But this time, with this latest, my gut is eerily silent. My heart is arguing one way, my head the other and my gut, my good old faithful gut is so stunningly quiet.

Or the few times it does come out to talk all it says is, "Wow. This is a tough call. You're on your own with this one."

Yeah, tell me about it.

Deja vu

Lori, called me last night.

As soon as I heard her voice, I knew something was wrong. Very wrong. It kind of went with the icky feeling I get sometimes that something very bad is going to happen. I hate it when that feeling comes over me.

She can't blog right now. Hell, she can't even answer emails right now. She can answer her cell phone. But not her home phone.

Friday night she was in the basement and she heard a horrible sound. She ran up the stairs and discovered flames coming from the attic.

A little over eight years ago she came home from school and found her house nothing but ashes in the basement.

At least it isn't as bad this time.

Last time because no one was home she lost her cat. But all the kids were fine.

Because she was home, she was able to get her cat out this time. But she hasn't seen it since the night of the fire.

Last time she didn't have to worry about little things. You know things like...how do you remove smoke from clothing. This time she does. That's good, right? At least there is a chance she can start over with more than just the clothes on her back, right?

Fuck. I'm still in shock.

That's my sister. How in the hell do I tell her that things will be okay. It worked last time. She believed me. Hell, I believed me.

I don't have the pictures of the kids when they were little now. I gave them to her last time so she could replace the ones that burned.

Anyway, that's the latest news.

Do I have any problems? Nope.

Will I bitch about needing to clean my home? Nope. At least I have a home.

And this morning when I came home from work, the clouds weren't hiding the mountains. There's serious termination dust on those mountains.

Even so, I kept thinking about Lori. Fuck. How in the hell can that happen twice in less than a decade?